Now that a good chunk of the electorate has already voted and there’s only a day left before it’s all (hopefully and mercifully) over, it’s time to announce my endorsement.
I was going be clever and nominate my dad for President and myself for Veep. We’d delay the inaugural celebration until the Ides of March, hold the party on the steps of the Senate and invite everyone to bring his own silverware. Alas, they just don’t teach the classics like they used to, and I’m too young to succeed him as President anyways.
Therefore I have decided to endorse, for the office of President of the United States…
The 1943 steel penny.
It’s more than 35 years old. It’s been in the country the requisite 14 years. This one was minted in San Francisco, which makes it a natural born citizen.
I don’t mean we should flip a coin to determine the President. And I don’t mean that there’s no real difference between Obama and McCain, or that there’s “less than a dime’s worth of difference between the two.” Not at all; in my book, one of the two candidates is certainly better than the other.
No, I mean that this coin itself should be President. It’s more consistent than John McCain and it’s got more executive experience than Barack Obama. It was actually minted in the US, making its loyalty unquestionable, unlike the two Manchurian candidates we have running now. It’s a war hero, in a sense–there were copper shortages due to wartime production, so they had to make do with steel.
I figure that with a 50-50 chance of making the decision I’d make if I were President, the coin is far less likely to disappoint me than either Obama or McCain.
My AP Government class issued its final prediction before the election: Obama 299 electoral votes, McCain 239 electoral votes. The changes from 2004 (Bush 286, Kerry 251, Edwards 1): Obama picks up Ohio, Indiana, Colorado, Iowa, Nevada, and New Mexico, and the loose Edwards voter gets his act together this time. McCain picks up Minnesota. I have no idea why the kids think McCain is going to win Minnesota, but that’s what they predicted.
November 4th: Obama wins a little more than 300 electoral votes.
November 7th: Hillary Clinton discovers Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, which was accidentally misplaced underneath a massive pile of FBI files in her Chappaqua mansion. She totally innocently reveals it to the public, and Barack Obama is disqualified from the Presidency.
November 11th: Hillary Clinton reminds America that she was born in America, and gee whiz, if only the Democratic electors had a decent Presidential candidate now that Obama was out.
December 15th: The electors meet in their respective state capitals. Democratic electors cast their ballots for Hillary Clinton.
January 20th, 2009: Hillary cackles her way through the Oath of Office.