There’s a knock at your door. You open it. A group of ten people stand there, introduce themselves as the local chapter of the Painters’ Guild, and offer to paint your house. They say they will do it if you pay each of them $20 per hour. You say you would like them to paint your house, but you will not compensate each painter equally. You are willing to pay half of them $20 an hour and half of them $15 an hour. They insist on $20 per hour for everyone. You insist on different payments for different painters.

Has anyone been forced out of the Guild?

Has anyone been forbidden to join the Guild?

Has the Guild been abolished?

Have anyone’s rights been violated? If so, whose?

Would knowing which side got its way (or the better end of the deal) change the answers to any of the above questions?

Tomorrow Wisconsin is going to have a recall vote, partly because the governor and legislature decided not to bargain with public sector employee unions on a collective basis regarding any matter aside from wages. Many public employees in Wisconsin argue that this decision violated their rights. Which rights?

Looky what some of my students gave me (click to embiggen):

A Calvin Coolidge campaign button from 1924 is quite a find. As gifts go, this one came pretty close to hitting the bullseye; I greatly admire Mr. Coolidge. Why? Because he kept his mouth shut and screwed up less than most. Also, he was either completely out of touch with popular culture or he was a laconic smart-ass of Homeric proportion: when introduced to Red Grange of the Chicago Bears, Coolidge reportedly said, “I’ve always liked animal acts.”

It’ll be locked in an argon chamber for safe keeping, and I’ll wear it in my lapel buttonhole on formal occasions.

In fulfillment of 2012 Resolution #9, I flew up to Rochester to witness the wedding of my friend Dr. As I’m A Bassi and his lovely bride. They had two ceremonies to honor their religious backgrounds: one Catholic, one Islamic.

The Catholic ceremony, honoring her side of the new family, started at 9:30 and was by far the earliest wedding I’ve yet attended. It featured a mass, liturgy and Eucharist included. I continued my lifelong tradition of not taking Catholic communion– not out of principle or objection, but out of fear that they’ve got scanners up there that’ll recognize me and hit me up for thirty-some years of back-tithing. I did say “Peace be with you” to a few folks and shake their hands. All in all, good show.

The Muslim ceremony started at noon at a nearby gazebo. Dr. Bassi wore an off-white robe with gold inscriptions, a gift from his parents which he will next wear at his children’s weddings. He wore sunglasses up until the ceremony, and someone commented that he looked like he belonged in The Matrix. Hopefully, that same someone got a picture of him in those sunglasses. The newly minted Mrs. Bassi and her bridesmaids wore colorful ceremonial gowns, prompting Baby Mole to give them names like “Princess Red,” “Princess Black,” and “Princess Green.” (I lost track of the actual colors.)

The presiding imam, a professor of Catholicism at nearby Nazareth College, took a few moments to explain the sermon (sunna khutbah), the marriage ceremony itself (nikah), and the prayer (dua’a) to the mostly non-Muslim crowd. Both sets of parents took part in the ceremony and had to sign a wedding certificate. The imam moved the proceedings along quite nicely due to the heat, and it was on to the food.

Food is of course the most important part of almost everything, which leads us to the title of this post. The night before the wedding, I got to talking to some of Dr. Bassi’s friends about Chicago-style pizza, Chicago-style hot dogs, and Italian roast beef sandwiches. (Before you ask, why wouldn’t those topics come up?) I mentioned that my favorite restaurant was Portillo’s, and then Dr. Bassi said that they’d opened a Portillo’s nearby, which of course would be where I’d spend the remainder of the evening.

Twenty minutes of frantically-searching-the-web-for-the-Rochester-Portillo’s-address later, Dr. Bassi announced that he was actually thinking of Pontillo’s, a pizza and Buffalo wings place. “My bad,” he said.

I grew faint. I saw visions of Sinon covered in boils, and traitors encased in ice, and the faces of the Adversary gnawing on Brutus, and Cassius, and Judas.

Thankfully, Dr. Bassi’s redemption began almost immediately. At the post-rehearsal party they served sub sandwiches that I think were from Wegman’s (which is so far superior to your everyday grocery store that even calling it a super-duper-market would diminish the meaning of the prefixes “super” and “duper”) and the best buttered tandoori chicken and basmati rice I’ve had in ages, if not ever. I did my part to make sure three large portions of the chicken and rice disappeared, and washed it all down with a roast beef sub.

At the wedding reception (valima), the tables were named after the couple’s favorite movies. I was assigned to the “Wrath of Khan” table, which featured a framed black-and-white photo of a gleeful and murderous Ricardo Montalban on the bridge of the Reliant. I wept a little, and was not ashamed. At said table I feasted on chicken parmesan, Sicilian olives (if they weren’t Sicilian, they were close enough), and vegetarian lasagna. Shockingly, the vegetarian lasagna was the highlight of the meal, and I harangued my friends into eating as much of it as possible. Dr. and Mrs. Bassi’s menu selections had saved the day.

Thus was the rift fully mended. God willing, he will never again mistake Pontillo’s for Portillo’s.

Congratulations to Dr. Bassi and his beaming bride, and may they enjoy many joyful and fruitful decades together!

Mitt Romney’s website recently claimed that “Since President Obama assumed office three years ago, federal spending has accelerated at a pace without precedent in recent history.”

Then MarketWatch’s Rex Nutting claimed that Romney was wrong.

Then someone asked me to read PolitiFact’s evaluation of Romney’s claim and Nutting’s article, titled “Viral Facebook post says Barack Obama has lowest spending record of any recent president.”

She presumably wanted me to respond. Here’s my response:

1. Nutting’s analysis does not necessarily contradict the Romney statement.

Nutting’s analysis looked only at the budgets signed by Obama, which took effect on October 1, 2009, and he threw in an extra $140B for reasons explained in the article. He is correct that the budgets signed by Obama have increased at a slower pace than those signed by other recent presidents.

But Romney’s statement– fairly or not– looked at federal spending since Obama took office on January 20, 2009. Much of that spending was authorized by Bush, whose final “budget year” lasted until September 30, 2009. So it may be technically correct to argue that “Since President Obama assumed office three years ago [1/20/09], federal spending has accelerated at a pace without precedent in recent history.”

In short, Romney and Nutting aren’t talking about the same thing. The objects of their arguments are offset by eight months. If an inordinate amount of the FY2009 spending (authorized by Bush) occurred after January 20, then Romney’s statement may also be correct.

2. Nutting argues that inflation-adjusted federal spending per capita may actually decrease slightly while Obama is President. I think this would be good, and if Obama gets credit for it, that’s fine– in fact, throughout the 2008 campaign he promised a “net spending cut.”

But think about why this might happen. Spending increased rapidly right before Obama came into office, largely thanks to the bank bailouts signed by President Bush (and voted for by various Senators including Obama, McCain, Biden, and Clinton). Nutting points out: “By no means did Obama try to reverse that spending. Indeed, his budget proposals called for even more spending in subsequent years. But the Congress (mostly Republicans but many Democrats, too) stopped him. If Obama had been a king who could impose his will, perhaps what the Republicans are saying about an Obama spending binge would be accurate.”

To paraphrase: Obama didn’t go on a “spending binge” because Congress wouldn’t let him. Obama will (hopefully) be able to keep his promise of a net spending cut because Congress won’t let him break his promise– and he’s blaming them for being obstructionist! O irony!

…

These articles have interesting approaches to the word “binge.” Apparently, if I drink a beer on Monday, then 12 beers on Tuesday, then 13 beers on Wednesday, I didn’t binge on Wednesday.

The creative juices are running low. Here’re some questions culled from the internets:

1. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST PROM DATE? I did not attend either of my proms. I attended soccer tournaments, one of which we won.

2. DO YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR FIRST LOVE? No.

3. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Today? Nothing yet.

4. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB? I was a clerk at the Soccer Stop the summer before my senior year of high school. The location I worked at shut down years ago, but the best part was the nearby KFC that offered the best combo ever: six chicken nuggets, a side of cheap, airy, crispy fries (this was before they switched to steak fries), and a Pepsi for three dollars and nineteen cents.

5. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A silver 1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It belonged to my father before me, and his father before him.

6. WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO TEXT YOU TODAY? A coworker.

7. WHO IS THE FIRST PERSON YOU THOUGHT OF THIS MORNING? I elect not to remember.

8. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST GRADE TEACHER? Miss Tammany. She kicked me out of the reading group for reading ahead and spoiling the ending for the rest of the group. Some people.

9. WHERE DID YOU GO ON YOUR FIRST RIDE ON AN AIRPLANE? I think it was to Chicago back around 1980, but the first flight I can remember was to Phoenix via Houston and Albuquerque.

10. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST BEST FRIEND & DO YOU STILL TALK? A kid named Gavin. No.

11. WHERE WAS YOUR FIRST SLEEPOVER? The hospital, a few hours after birth. I say it counts.

12. WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY? The kid behind the counter at Panera. She gave me a cinnamon bagel and some plain cream cheese. Good kid.

13. WHOSE WEDDING WERE YOU IN THE FIRST TIME? Aabrock’s and Nikita’s.

14. WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU DID THIS MORNING? Shower.

15. WHAT WAS THE FIRST CONCERT YOU EVER WENT TO? Not counting high school bands, it was some unmemorable local band in Clemson.

16. FIRST TATTOO? None, unless you want to count the end of an axle carving into my back. That mark stuck around a couple of years.

17. FIRST PIERCING? None, unless you want to count when I was stabbed in the leg by some careless idiot in art class.

18. FIRST FOREIGN COUNTRY YOU WENT TO? None.

19. FIRST MOVIE YOU REMEMBER SEEING? In the theater: The Empire Strikes Back.

20. WHEN WAS YOUR FIRST DETENTION? Never. I can’t be detained.

21. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST ROOMMATE? Aside from family, it was a band geek named Steve. Considering the psychopaths and slobs I’d room with later, he was probably my best roommate.

22. IF YOU HAD ONE WISH, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To be able to fall asleep at will.

23. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD LEARN IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE? I suppose I do have the chance… computer programming, a foreign language or two, mind control.

24. DID YOU MARRY THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK FOR YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE? Nope.

25. WHAT WAS THE FIRST SPORT YOU WERE INVOLVED IN? Soccer.

26. WHAT WERE THE FIRST LESSONS YOU EVER TOOK? I’m not sure I took any lessons other than at school. I vaguely remember going someplace for gifted class when I was in kindergarten, and I vaguely remember having to see a speech therapist in elementary school.

27. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU GET HOME? Take off my shoes.

28. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU PUT IN YOUR MOUTH? Cuppa tea.

29. WHERE WAS YOUR PROFILE PICTURE TAKEN? At Patton’s wedding in Phoenix. That was three years ago, I may have to update it.

30. CAN YOU PLAY GUITAR HERO? No, I have too much to do this afternoon.

31. NAME SOMEONE WHO MADE YOU LAUGH TODAY? Nobody, yet.

32. HOW LATE DID YOU STAY UP LAST NIGHT AND WHY? Intentionally: midnight, no reason. Unintentionally: around 1:30, insomnia.

33. IF YOU COULD MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE, WOULD YOU? I suppose I would, given the right circumstances.

34. EVER BEEN KISSED UNDER FIREWORKS? Yes.

35. WHICH OF YOUR FRIENDS LIVES CLOSEST TO YOU? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I respect their privacy; that’s why we’re still friends.

36. DO YOU BELIEVE EXES CAN BE FRIENDS? In theory, yes, but I am not interested in testing the theory.

37. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DR PEPPER? He’s a good man who’s done some good work.

38. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED REALLY HARD? When Wendy’s signed a 10-year contract with Coca-Cola. I was a big Pepsi fan at the time, so I didn’t take it well.

39. WHO TOOK YOUR PROFILE PICTURE? The photographer at the Pattons’ wedding.

40. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TOOK A PICTURE OF? Hold on, let me check the camera… it was me! More specifically, it was a picture of the screw cap where my tooth should be. My sister wanted to see what it looked like.

41. WAS YESTERDAY BETTER THAN TODAY? No; no Champions’ League today.

42. CAN YOU LIVE A DAY WITHOUT TELEVISION? Yes.

43. ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING? Not yet. Why?

44. DO YOU THINK RELATIONSHIPS ARE EVER REALLY WORTH IT? Yes.

45. ARE YOU A BAD INFLUENCE? If you mean in the sense of being poor at influencing people, then no. If you mean in the sense of having a negative influence on people, then… no.

46. NIGHT OUT OR NIGHT IN? Out or in of what? Why not both?

47. WHAT ITEMS COULD YOU NOT GO WITHOUT DURING THE DAY? Oxygen, probably. Water, possibly.

48. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU VISITED IN THE HOSPITAL. Aunt Mary.

49. WHAT DOES THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE IN YOUR INBOX SAY? “OK”

50. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW? Not too shabby.

51. DO YOU HATE ANYONE? I reckon I do, but the objects of my ire keep their distance, so all is well.