Clemson defeated Clemson West by a score of 38 to 24 yesterday. They did so by exploiting several rule changes of which I, as a Clemson fan, was previously unaware. To wit:

1. Apparently your quarterback is allowed to throw the ball to a teammate downfield. If the ball is caught by your own team– without it touching the ground first– your team gets those yards and any yards the “receiver” can run for after that.

1(a). If the “receiver” is touched by the opposing team after catching the ball, he doesn’t have to fall down or fumble it away.

1(b). If the “receiver” catches the ball in the end zone or runs into the end zone after catching the ball (again, he doesn’t have to drop it), that counts as a touchdown– and “receiving” touchdowns are worth as many points as real touchdowns!

2. You’re allowed to have more points than your opponents do at the end of the game even if your opponents had the lead at some point earlier in the game. So, like, even though Clemson was down 21-7 in the second quarter, outscoring Auburn 31-3 the rest of the way was totally legal.

3. If your opponents are ranked higher than you, or if they are the defending national champions, you’re still allowed to win the game. There’s no fine or anything.

Hopefully, Clemson will continue to take advantage of these loopholes the rest of the season, and we’ll see if the NCAA keeps them in place for next year.

My where-were-you story:

It was my first year of teaching. I walked into the library at work just after the South Tower was hit, huddled near the TVs with admins, a few other teachers, and a bunch of students. I remember seeing the South Tower wobble and saying, “It looks like it’s going to fall over.” And then it collapsed. I remember thinking, My God, there’s only going to be one Twin Tower. I don’t remember if I was still in the library when the second tower fell at 10:30– I think I was, but that means we would have had an unusual bell schedule that day. Maybe I just remember it from watching the video over and over again.

I had scheduled a government test on that day. In spite of the fact that the most significant geopolitical event in decades was happening right then, I made them take the test anyway. Partly because I felt obligated to keep on schedule and keep things as “normal” as possible, partly because I stupidly thought my freshmen couldn’t handle it. It is unquestionably the dumbest thing I have ever done as a teacher. I should have flipped on the TV and done nothing else that day.

The kids were oddly calm for the most part, or at least if they weren’t, they hid it well. One student wrote on her test something to the effect of “Seven days until Christ returns,” and handed it in with the saddest look-in-her-eyes you ever saw. I told them to behave on the bus rides home because the roads would probably be packed– I was wrong. The roads were as close to empty as I’ve seen on a workday afternoon. That might’ve been the fastest ride home ever. I made sure to fill up the car with gas and withdraw as much cash as possible from the ATM.

…

The next day, the news showed the feds searching the Boston hotel where the hijackers had stayed. I remember thinking that if they’d pulled something like this off, then they’d probably rigged their rooms with bombs. That hotel was going to blow up and kill even more cops, and God only knew what would come next.

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Remember Barbara Olson? She was one of the original FOX blondes and she was almost a regular on Politically Incorrect. I used to watch that show religiously and was shocked to hear she was on Flight 77. Bill Maher left one of his panel seats empty for her for a while– proof that despite everything, he can be a classy guy.

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Remember the anthrax attacks just a week or two later? Thankfully that was just some crackpot (we think) and not some broader terrorist network. Bio-terror hasn’t quite materialized to the extent we feared. I think this picture of an anthrax survivor did a great deal to allay our fears of bio-terror.

…

I remember wondering how my grandmother, 91 at the time, reacted when she heard the news. She simply shook her head. By that age, nothing is new.

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Remember the plane crash in Queens a couple months after 9/11? Almost 300 people died in that crash, including some on the ground. Remember that odd, twisted sense of relief when it turned out to be good old-fashioned pilot error?

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Either on or just after 9/11, I told my students that we’d let our collective guard down partly because we’d forgotten that things like this can happen. Not to blame Clinton or Bush, I said, but our government for the last few years had been run by people who weren’t old enough (or born enough) to remember Pearl Harbor. Those kids got it. They won’t forget. The trick in the future will be to pass on this sort of knowledge to the people too young to remember the World Trade Center.

The Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial opened two weeks ago to some controversy. Some folks complained about the choice of architect, Lei Yixin of Red China instead of an American or, more precisely, instead of an African-American. Some folks complained about the choice of granite, Chinese instead of American. I think these are valid complaints, but there are larger problems with the memorial.

The centerpiece of the memorial is called the Stone of Hope. It is a relief sculpture of Dr. King, arms crossed, speech rolled in one hand. Inscribed on either side of the Stone are two quotations from King. One of them is “I Was a Drum Major for Justice, Peace, and Righteousness.” I believe this was a terrible choice, because of all the profound things Dr. King said throughout his inspiring and all-too-brief time on this Earth, that wasn’t one of them. It’s a badly paraphrased version of one of King’s musings about his legacy. The full quotation is:

If you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice. Say that I was a drum major for peace. I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter.

As Maya Angelou aptly points out, “The [paraphrased] quote makes Dr. Martin Luther King look like an arrogant twit.” From the New York Daily News:

Angelou, who was one of those chosen to pick out quotes for the statue, told the paper that the shortened version of the quote radically misses the point.

“It makes him seem less than the humanitarian he was,” she said. “It makes him seem an egotist.”

“He had no arrogance at all,” she continued. “He had a humility that comes from deep inside. The ‘if’ clause that is left out is salient. Leaving it out changes the meaning completely.”

The justification was that there wasn’t enough room for the entire quotation. If that were indeed the case, then why not use something short that King actually said, such as “I have a dream…” or “Thank God Almighty, we are free at last”? Or would those be too easy, too obvious, and too accurate?

Another large problem, in my humble estimation, with the memorial is that the Stone of Hope sucks. (It occurs to me that if I ever run for anything, one of the many things I’ve written that will be taken out of context and held against me is “…the Stone of Hope sucks.”)

I like the concept of the memorial: the Stone of Hope breaks away from the Mountain of Despair. But the sculpture of King himself is a letdown. It’s all wrong. He looks like he’s leaning against the Stone and hiding from the rest of the memorial, as if waiting backstage for the moment when he’s introduced. As it is, when you look through gap in the Mountain of Despair, you can see nothing but the back of the stone. It’s not noble or inspiring at all.

It seems obvious to me that he should be marching out of the stone. Wouldn’t that be more appropriate than leaning against it? His head and shoulders should be fully above the rest of the stone; in fact, they should be the highest point in the entire memorial. His arms should not be crossed in repose, they should give a sense of swinging at his sides as he rises out of the stone. You should be able to stand a hundred yards behind the Mountain of Despair, look through that gap, and see King emerging from the stone.

Alas, I’m not an architect, and I wasn’t hired to design the memorial. If I had been, it might not have been the greatest memorial in DC, but it certainly would have been better than “Some Guy Leans Against Rock With Bastardized Quotes.” The man deserves better.

…

If I ever do something worthy of a memorial in DC, please don’t give anyone the chance to screw it up. “Thanks, VDV” carved on a slab of marble will suffice.

As I close in on my deadline for replacing the ‘Rolla, I’m giving careful thought to not selling or trading it in at all. Instead, I may spend a lot getting it fixed up in a boring, strictly functional style that better suits me. Leave the hubcaps off, paint the exterior a matte black, dullify every shiny surface, and reupholster the interior in black with hints of dark gray. Put on some locking lugnuts. Replace the weatherstripping on the doors. Fix or replace the engine, transmission, and suspension. Install some decent GPS guidance in the dashboard, an auxiliary jack for an MP3 player (or maybe a phone-specific mount), and replace the speakers. Install a rear-view camera system and attach larger side mirrors. Install a dashboard cam. Install The Button. Make a few other tweaks here and there as I think of them.

If, after careful research and comparison shopping, it turns out that this would be less expensive than buying a new car, then I might just do it. I’d spend the difference on limos or fancy rentals for award ceremonies, charity events, dates, paid appearances, and dinners at fancy places like Alinea or Portillo’s.

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Watching/listening to Khan in the background as I compose this. Sure, there are some scientific inaccuracies (destruction of an outer planet affecting the orbit of an inner planet, instantly forming a planet out of nebular material), outdated graphics, and questionable toupées– same as you’d expect to find in any decent Trek movie– but taking into account it was made 30 years ago, is there even one imperfect moment in that movie? I’m hard pressed to think of one.

I want that eulogy read at my funeral, regardless of the circumstances of my (presumed) death.

Some folks find it incredibly difficult to fall asleep. Part of said difficulty lies in finding a decent sleeping position. Our research team has found that I average 19.1 tosses and 8.3 turns per night before I finally drift off into whatever guilt-ridden apocalyptic nightmare my subconscious has prepared for me. Tossing and turning are attempts to reposition the body in order to induce relaxation. However, doing so often reawakens the poor soul desperately trying to achieve sleep (at least in my case), and makes the whole process that much more difficult.

If we can find a way to even out the tossing and turning– to turn the body at a slow, even pace to avoid the energy spikes associated with a sudden toss or turn– then perhaps we can smooth out the somnolencification curve. Therefore, if such a device has not already been invented, then I propose the creation of the Sleep Rotisserie™.

Imagine a bed that rotates on its longitudinal axis. You would strap yourself in, activate the motor with a remote, and rotate very slowly like a chicken on a spit. You could halt the rotation at any point with the mere press of a button, assuming you’ve found a particular sleep angle you like. It could even include an option to allow you to rock back and forth over a particular set of degrees, similar to an auto-rocking cradle. And if it makes you dizzy, as Irony would demand, then all the dramamine you’d take to alleviate the nausea would help knock you out anyways.

Now that you’re done imagining such a device, go build it and give one to me. If you’ve got a more creative name, or one that’ll sell better, we can talk to the marketing guys.

If such a device has already been invented, please direct me to the store or website where I can buy one. Off to attempt sleep.