Refurb.

As I close in on my deadline for replacing the ‘Rolla, I’m giving careful thought to not selling or trading it in at all. Instead, I may spend a lot getting it fixed up in a boring, strictly functional style that better suits me. Leave the hubcaps off, paint the exterior a matte black, dullify every shiny surface, and reupholster the interior in black with hints of dark gray. Put on some locking lugnuts. Replace the weatherstripping on the doors. Fix or replace the engine, transmission, and suspension. Install some decent GPS guidance in the dashboard, an auxiliary jack for an MP3 player (or maybe a phone-specific mount), and replace the speakers. Install a rear-view camera system and attach larger side mirrors. Install a dashboard cam. Install The Button. Make a few other tweaks here and there as I think of them.

If, after careful research and comparison shopping, it turns out that this would be less expensive than buying a new car, then I might just do it. I’d spend the difference on limos or fancy rentals for award ceremonies, charity events, dates, paid appearances, and dinners at fancy places like Alinea or Portillo’s.

…

Watching/listening to Khan in the background as I compose this. Sure, there are some scientific inaccuracies (destruction of an outer planet affecting the orbit of an inner planet, instantly forming a planet out of nebular material), outdated graphics, and questionable toupées– same as you’d expect to find in any decent Trek movie– but taking into account it was made 30 years ago, is there even one imperfect moment in that movie? I’m hard pressed to think of one.

I want that eulogy read at my funeral, regardless of the circumstances of my (presumed) death.

11 thoughts on “Refurb.”

  2. (…says the girl whose nickname changes with her hair color.)

    Seriously, if we were talking about a shiny convertible or an off-road SUV or buying spinning rims, your comment might be applicable. But precisely which “societal gender role” dictates that I paint my compact sedan a non-reflective black? What if the desire is somehow encoded in my DNA?

    Now that I think about it, “Just buy a new car” sounds an awful lot like an appeal to consumerism, or perhaps to an impulse to conform to emergent anti-sexism. Which external pressure shall I succumb to? There are so many to choose from!

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  3. You can’t mention ST:II in a post without:

    KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    KKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  4. The gender role which includes the idea that men like to make projects out of something that would be a lot simpler with a new purchase. And I think the vision of you in an off-road SUV with spinning rims is beyond hilarious, and you would be breaking all kinds of societal standards and roles. So by all means, go for it.

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  5. Brunette, some of us channel that desire into engineering, which is often “making projects out of something that would be simpler with a new purchase.” That’s the sort of thing that leads to new products, and innovation, and other wonderful things.

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  10. “The only thing handier than a man is his checkbook.” So your list of handiest, most useful things goes like this:

    1. Men’s checkbooks.
    2. Men.
    3 through ∞. Everything else you can possibly imagine, in unknown order.

    Was that what you had in mind when you typed your response? Or would you like a mulligan?

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