I am ashamed to admit that I’d forgotten today was the tenth anniversary of Walter Payton’s death until I saw that the Bears honored him in a halftime ceremony. It’s hard to believe he died 10 years ago. It’s harder to believe he retired more than 20 years ago. Here’s a link to the Bears’ memorial webpage.

And here’s my favorite Walter Payton play of all time. It begins about 3:28 into the clip.

1. NAME, PLEASE. Okay, since you were polite. Vincent Dominic Viscariello.
2. APPROXIMATE AGE? I am circa 32.
3. WHAT AGE WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE? I would like the Age of Aquarius to die. You probably should have edited these questions.
4. WOULD YOU LET YOUR KIDS SMOKE WEED? Only medicinally (i.e., if it were the most effective way to help them digest life-saving medications).
5. DO YOU LAUGH A LOT, BUT DON’T REALLY MEAN IT? No, but often I don’t laugh when I think something is hilarious.
6. DO YOU LIKE TO THINK YOU ARE POPULAR? Since I’m not mass-produced for a large market, probably not.
7. DESCRIBE YOUR MOST TERRIFYING DREAM. No.
8. WHAT BAND WOULD YOU DIE TO SEE LIVE? None of them. None whatsoever.
9. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE? At an advanced age, in a warm bed, surrounded by a loving family saying they’ll stop at nothing to develop the technology to bring me back to life.
10. WHAT’S YOUR OPINION ON SELF-MUTILATION? I oppose it.
11. DO YOU BELIEVE IN CAPITALISM? COMMUNISM? LIBERTARIANISM? Yes, I believe in them. They exist. They aren’t imaginary.
12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE AN ANARCHIST OR A SOCIALITE? I suspect that whoever wrote this questionnaire meant “socialist,” but since that’s not what he/she actually wrote, I’ll go with socialite.
13. FREEDOM OF SPEECH OR CONTROLLED SOCIETY? Freedom of speech often leads to exactly as much control as society needs.
14. OBAMA OR BUSH? Obama’s got good height and range, but Bush has the better arm and more stamina.
15. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Shortly after birth, when the doc spanked me. Just having left the womb, I had no idea what was going on, so I strangled the bastard with the cord.
16. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I want a beautiful woman with rich parents who have weak hearts.
17. WHY IS YOUR BEST FRIEND YOUR BEST FRIEND? Now that you mention it, I’ve never really thought that hard about it.
18. ARE YOU MOODY? That question makes me angry.
19. ARE YOU IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY? Nope.
20. IF NOT, WHY NOT? Bears got slaughtered, 45-10.
21. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE SWINE FLU? No.
22. WHAT WOULD YOU LABEL YOURSELF? Medium.
23. HOW MANY SIBLINGS DO YOU HAVE? Technically four, since one of them is a clone of the original, who was lost at sea. I don’t think the clone has caught on, so we don’t say anything.
24. ARE YOU ANTI-RASICT? What is a “rasict”?
25. EXPLAIN YOUR PERSONALITY IN THREE WORDS. I will not.
26. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOUR NAME WAS? Orinthius Octavian Winterbourne.
27. HOW OLD DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED? No older than 91.
28. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO NAME YOUR KIDS? Rutherford Horatio Winterbourne, Millicent Gwyndolynth Winterbourne, and Carla Gugino, Jr.
29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH? This morning.
30. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Shirt, underwear, jeans, socks, shoes, watch, contact lenses.
31. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? A smile.
32. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR? Blue.
33. WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON NIHILISM? It doesn’t matter.
34. PACIFISM? To channel Malcolm X, pacifism is fine as long as it works.
35. DO YOU THINK THE DRUG CULTURE IS MISUNDERSTOOD? I think the drug culture has misunderstood.
36. ARE YOU A FAN OF HUNTER S. THOMPSON? No. I’m not impressed with his work whatsoever.
37. ARE YOU A SMOKER? No.
38. DO YOU SMOKE CIGARS/CIGARETTES? Um, no.
39. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS? Ho, boy, do I.
40. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE NEXT HALLOWEEN? Invisible.
41. WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN? This year I’m in 29th grade.
42. WHEN DO YOU GRADUATE? In negative sixteen-and-a-half years.
43. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR TOENAILS? Toenail-colored.
44. HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE? No.
45. NICE EYES? Yes.
46. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTE? “If.”
47. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Yes. I’m listening to an episode of “Twin Peaks” in the background. It’s from the second and crappier part of Season Two.
48. DO YOU LIKE SILVER HAIR? On old people, sure. Better’n blue hair.
49. COULD YOU TAKE ON KIMBO SLICE? Yes. And win? …Yes.
50. ARE YOU IN GOOD PHYSICAL CONDITION? In the sense that my cells don’t go randomly flying all over the place, yes.
51. DO YOU GET CREEPED OUT BY PUPPETS? By what? Are you on crack?
52. IF YOU COULD BE ANY CELEBRITY FOR ONE DAY, WHO WOULD YOU BE? Bill Gates, so I could write an exceptionally large check to Vincent D. Viscariello.
53. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHOBIAS? Dying in an airplane crash.
54. EVER BEEN MAULED BY A WILD ANIMAL? No.
55. HAVE YOU EVER LICKED THE BACK OF A CD TO TRY TO GET IT TO WORK? I have not.
56. WHAT’S THE LARGEST AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOURSELF AND SOMEONE YOU’VE DATED? 54 years. Oh, how I miss you, Bea.
57. EVER BEEN IN A CAR WRECK? Yes.
58. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A BLIND DATE? Not intentionally.
59. DOES THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE A PERSON’S SLEPT WITH AFFECT YOUR VIEW OF THEM? Certainly. You get up into triple digits, you’ve got problems.
60. HAVE YOU EVER MADE A MISTAKE? Leaving my arch-nemesis alive. There was no way he would defeat the ninjas and outrun the lava. Boy, was my face red.
61. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE? Finish this and two other questionnaires.
62. IF YOU WERE AN ANIMAL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? Human.
63. HAIR COLOR YOU LIKE ON SOMEONE YOU’RE DATING? Whatever her natural color is.
64. IF YOU WEREN’T STRAIGHT, WHAT PERSON OF THE SAME SEX WOULD YOU DO? If I weren’t straight, I would want to be a lesbian, thus: Carla Gugino.
65. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLD? Mountain fortress.
66. IF YOU COULD DATE ANY CELEBRITY PAST OR PRESENT, WHO WOULD IT BE? Sherylin Fenn circa 1991.
67. WHAT DID YOU DREAM LAST NIGHT? That I was back in college, but my roommate from Chicago was my college roommate. I ate a packet of Oreo cookies that belonged to him.
68. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY? Thanksgiving, because of the food and it’s my birthday.
69. WOULD YOU EVER GET PLASTIC SURGERY? Yes, in case of disfigurement, or if I had a top secret mission of some sort.
70. HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT A FISH? Yes, when I went deep-sea fishing with some coworkers many summers ago. It was also the first time in my conscious memory that I vomited.
71. WHAT BOOK(S) ARE YOU READING? Too many, but I’m trying to focus on The Searchers (the basis for the John Wayne movie) and Capitol Men, which is about the first African-Americans elected to Congress.
72. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have no mouse pad.
73. FAVOURITE SMELL? Snow. Every so often it’ll smell like it’s gonna snow down here, but it’s just a tease. I don’t think it’s snowed here since March of 1993.
74. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Desperately trying to fall asleep, watching the time you’ve got left before you have to wake up just flitter away.
75. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? That I wish I’d slept more last night.
76. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano.
77. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? It depends on who’s in my car. If it’s just me, I’ll fly down the road. If I have a passenger, I turn into an old fogie going 5 miles under the limit in the slow lane.
78. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A navy blue Ford Taurus, but the first one that was legally mine was a silver 1988 Oldsmobile Delta ’88.
79. WHO IS THE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My grandfather.
80. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Rum and Coke.
81. WHAT’S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? Spare tire and kit, a laundry basket with an athletic bag inside, soccer stuff in the athletic bag, a large mesh-and-cloth duffel bag with soccer balls, practice pennies, and cones, two electric air pumps, and a crate with car maintenance fluids.
82. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes.
83. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Retired multi-trillionaire.
84. GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Half fumpty.
85. FAVOURITE MOVIE? Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
86. WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED? A dead monster.
87. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST AMBITION? To have more ambition.
88. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? I am nearsighted.
89. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? I’m still surveying mountains in which to put my fortress.
90. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? My brown shoes.
91. COMEDY OR HORROR? Comedy. There’s more than enough horror in real life.
92. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? [Redacted]
93. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? 10:08 (AM or PM) because on a standard digital clock, that’s the time that requires the most lines to display.
94. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Indoors.
95. WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? The mind, especially if part of your mental strength is telekenesis.
96. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 6:04 AM.
97. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? The fridge. It has food in it.
98. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? People who are consistently late and have no consideration for other people’s time.
99. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To fall asleep at will.
100. IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE? New Hampshire.

I’m disgusted. The Bears should be up 28-14, and they’re losing. Two red zone turnovers. They need a new offensive coordinator and they need to spend millions of dollars on the best quarterbacks coaches they can find.

…

Today, the Patriots were up on the Titans 59-0 about halfway through the third quarter. They were two touchdowns and two PATs away from tying the Bears’ record for most points in a game (that’s 73 points for you math majors). I was surprised that Belichick called off the dogs when they were that close to the record.

I couldn’t help but think that if my team were down 45-0 at halftime and the Patriots trotted out Brady to run up the score or get some record, I would tell my defense to nail him on every single play, penalties and fines be damned. He hands it off? Nail him. He gets rid of the ball before your guys get there? Nail him anyways. He takes a knee or spikes it? Drive him into the ground, with a kick in the ribs for good measure. Brady finally gets subbed out and is holding the clipboard on the sideline? Hey, we can’t help it if our safeties get a little rambunctious.

In fact, I’d go even farther than that. I’d run every offensive play right at him on the sideline. Every one. I’d punt to him on the sideline and let the gunners hit him. And when Belichick finally got the good sense to have the cops escort him out of the stadium, then I’d run every offensive, defensive, and special teams play right at Belichick himself.

That Jeff Fisher, former Chicago Bears defensive back and defensive assistant to Buddy Ryan during the Super Bowl championship season, did not react in such a manner saddens me.

A long time ago I worked in a particular textile mill up in South Carolina. On occasion I would have to move gigantic rolls of cloth weighing half-a-ton or more. I’d do this using a tugger, which was essentially a several-hundred-pound motor in a metal box, with a hitch on the back (to which you’d attach what ever needed to be tugged) and a lever on the front for steering and propulsion. It was pretty simple: to move forward, you pull the lever forward and twist the handle, somewhat like revving a motorcycle. To put on the brake, simply release the lever and let it snap back into its upright resting position. Simple enough, right?

For clarity’s sake, here’s an image of a tugger with a similar steering and propulsion system.

And here’s an image of the kind of trolley that the roll of cloth was on. We called them “A-Frames.” Imagine those, but loaded with at least half-a-ton of cloth. Note that the axle sticks out a bit from the rest of the frame–that’s going to be relevant in a little bit.

So, ten years ago today, I was maneuvering one of these A-frames, full of cloth, around with a tugger. I was backing up with it, pulling it towards me to get in into the correct position near an inspection station. I got it where I wanted it and let go of the lever–which, if you’ll recall from two paragraphs ago, was supposed to be the brake.

The lever snapped into its upright resting position, but the several-hundred-pound tugger, tugging with it the A-frame-full-of-at-least-half-a-ton-of-cloth, kept coming at me. Fast. Without screeching, meaning the brake had failed.

I backed up, hoping the whole contraption would come to a halt. It didn’t. The handle of the tugger slammed into my chest, which hurt badly enough by itself, and pinned me against another A-frame full of cloth behind me. Actually, to be more precise, it pinned me against the axle of another A-frame full of cloth.

So a metal axle was carving into my back, just inside my left shoulder-blade, while the handle of the tugger pressed against my chest with at least half-a-ton of help behind it. You know how people say they saw their lives flash before their eyes? I don’t specifically remember that happening, but I do remember wondering whether my obituary would mention getting impaled in a textile mill.

I managed to wiggle out, took a few steps, and collapsed to the ground. Stars came flooding in from the periphery of my vision, and that’s all I saw for about a minute.

I remember getting up a few minutes later and watching a few people rush around and change the “red tags” on every tugger. Each machine in the plant was supposed to be inspected three times a day, with the time and date noted on the red tags. When I inspected the rest of the machines two days later, I found several red tags that hadn’t been changed in over a year.

When I got home and inspected myself, I had bruises on my chest and for the next week, it hurt to inhale. I found a hand mirror to examine my back–it too was bruised, and the outline of the axle was tattooed just inside the left shoulder blade. It resembled the Red Hot Chili Peppers logo, a chaos symbol without the arrows–which would’ve been awesome if it were 1989 and the band hadn’t already sucked for the better part of a decade. The “tattoo” faded over the next couple of years.

That day, I decided to become a teacher. I was enrolled in secondary education courses by January 2000 and working in a classroom by August 2001.

…

So, but for the slip of the brake on a tugger, I might’ve gone on to a lucrative career in textiles, rather than teaching. I’m better off for it, though I’d have appreciated a sign from God that didn’t involve nearly getting shish-kabobed.

I also resolved to ask out the picture-perfect girl I’d had a crush on for some time, whom I have in these pages pseudonymified “Ingrid Bergman.” Within a week I was having dinner at her place, but by the time I got into the classroom she was engaged to someone else. It took me a long, long time to realize I was better off for that, too.