Soccer is far and away my favorite sport, but I believe it could stand to make some changes– not just for the sake of making the game more palatable to the American market, as non-Americans often accuse, but to make it more enjoyable for everybody, assuming everybody’s tastes and preferences are the same as mine.

The first change I would make is the addition of Law XVIII to FIFA’s Laws of the Game. Here goes:

A player, substitute, coach, match official, observer, non-observer, or other type of human being shall be dipped in ungulate fat and locked in a cage with no less than five hungry lions if he commits any of the three following offenses:

• simulation or “diving”
• time-wasting
• criticizing American(s) for using the term “soccer” instead of the term “football.”

(a) The lions shall not be so weakened by hunger that they are unable to eat any person(s) guilty of any of the above offences.

I’m looking at you, England. America didn’t invent the word “soccer,” we got it from you. It’s your stupid abbreviation for “association football.” You guys don’t dive as much as other folks, and you don’t waste as much time– that’s noble; I applaud. Now let’s see if we can cut down on the pedantic whining about slang you guys invented. That way, you won’t get eaten.

More ideas tomorrow.