Today I took my first little baby step towards becoming a cyborg. The entire transformation will last years and will surely end up costing far more than the mere $6 million they spent on Lee Majors way back when (actually, I should say “the mere $30 million” to account for inflation). They haven’t even invented most of the technology necessary to transform me into the undying mechanical abomination I’ve long aspired to be, but a dental implant is a decent starting point.

They put some numbing gel in my mouth, shot some lidocaine in there, started drilling, shot some more lidocaine in there when I made it abundantly and profanely clear that I could feel everything, resumed drilling, screwed in a dental implant, and put a cover screw on top of that. After a few months of healing to ensure osseointegration, they’ll screw in a pin, pop a crown on top, and voilà! A brand new number 31.

At first, it’ll just be a regular crown, suitable for chewing and attracting odontophiliacs, but after I save up a little more I’ll experiment with an audio implant to link to my cell phone. Or maybe, one far-off day, I’ll replace the crown with a tiny computer that links wirelessly to a heads-up display in my eyeballs or my visual cortex.

Something not quite as far-off in the future might be an RFID implant with financial information on it. But that might be a mite awkward the first few years, because until RFID teeth become more popular, I’ll have to hold my face close to scanners in order to use my credit card. And to avoid high-tech thieves, I’ll have to wrap aluminum foil around my head most of the time.

Or maybe it’d be a good way to store medical information in case of an emergency, if the medics had RFID tooth-scanners. Teeth are pretty tough to destroy, and if I’m not mistaken, it’s tougher to knock out an implant than a natural tooth, so that’s as good a place as any to keep electronic medical files. Also, it could provide faster identification if I ever get amnesia, or if my corpse is so horrifically mutilated that my face is unrecognizable, or if my fingerprints are unusable, or if the lynch mob simply doesn’t want to give my name.

We’ll examine proposals for step two in the next few weeks– talk R&D, funding, permits and all that– but for now, I’ll be content to resume chewing with both sides of my mouth.