First let’s review last year’s resolutions:

1. “I shall procrastinate less.” Kept, believe it or not.

2. “I shall be a better friend to my friends, and better enemy to my enemies.” I’ll have to ask my friends. My enemies are not currently in a position to answer.

3. “I shall pass Illinois’s’s Assessment of Professional Teaching.” Kept, easily.

4. “I shall drink more water and milk, and less soda and pop.” Nope.

5. “I shall pretend that Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III simply never happened.” I’m not sure what movies this refers to, so I’ll assume it was kept.

6. “I shall lose thirty pounds—that may be three pounds ten times, or six pounds five times, or some such combination, but it will come to thirty pounds.” Nope, not even technically.

7. “I shall strive to embiggen more people, except for those who I think don’t deserve it.” Strived, yes, thus kept. Succeeded? Unknown.

8. “I shall attend a Cubs game and a Bears game.” Nope. This was my greatest failure of the last year.

9. “I shall be a shiny, happy person on the inside, and the usual on the outside.” Kept.

10. “I shall force the release date of the next James Bond film, Casino Royale, back to 2007, for what I would think is an obvious reason.” Nope, but I’m no longer broken up about it.

11. “I shall read every book I that have bought but not yet read.” Not even close. Probably not even possible.

12. “I shall keep at least fifty percent of my resolutions.” Five kept, five not, one undecided… so nope. Oh well.

This year, I’ll need one of two things: stronger resolve, or easier resolutions. With that in mind, my resolutions for the New Year 2007:

I shall drink more water and milk, and less soda, pop, and sweet tea.

I shall lose thirty twenty pounds.

I shall put all the books I’ve bought but not yet read on a particular shelf, and I shall read at least half of them.

I shall purchase a new pair of glasses.

I shall learn to sign my name right-handed.

I shall replace my serpentine engine belt, and clean out my glove compartment.

I shall continue to lose touch with popular culture.

I shall play in a six- or seven-a-side league.

I shall hang up the framed map that is leaning up against my wall.

I shall fine-tune my recipe for puerco pibil.

I shall purchase the second season of Twin Peaks on DVD.

For those occasions when people switch to a foreign tongue in my presence, I shall learn to say, “What makes you think I don’t speak _________?” in as many languages as possible.