Today I sat with a few commiserators—I mean, coworkers for eight hours just inside Paxon’s front entrance, handing out schedules and various other forms. No problem, except that it was hot and humid and the doors kept opening and closing, repeatedly sucking any semblance of cool air out of the hall. These afternoon thunderstorms are going to take some re-getting used to.

People look at me like I’m nuts when I say this, but I prefer the weather in Chicago. I want my low summer humidity and miserable, wet snowstorms back. Please. Let’s see, today inWheaton, it was… 80 degrees with 70% humidity. Okay, so today it wouldn’t have been much better up there, but the point remains: Jacksonville weather sucks.

…

Here’s an article about a hunter who killed a black bear with a six-inch knife. Evidently it attacked him and his dog, then he attacked this 90 kilogram black bear… hold on, let me convert from metric…

90 kg * 2.21 lbs/kg = 198.42 lbs.

Just two hundred pounds? Oh, big deal, I weigh more than that, and would it make the news if a hunter stabbed me to death with a hunting knife? No. God, why did I read this article? I thought the bear would be upwards of six, seven hundred pounds. That would have been awesome, and earned him a minor place in whatever modern pantheon includes that guy who had to cut his own arm off to get out of the cavern. That was impressive.

At least he saved his dog. Would I fight a bear to save my dog? Let’s review.

• Devil, a.k.a. “Blackjack Devildog” (Siberian Husky, 62 lbs., deceased): No need. Devil paid for his doctorate by hunting bears and selling their hides as pelts.

• Bogie (Yellow Labrador Retriever, 66 lbs., deceased): Yes, because Bogie was a good boy.

• Mike (Beagle Hound, 45 lbs.): Yes, because he is the second-best behaved dog on Earth. The best behaved dog on Earth is named “Germ,” and resides in South Carolina.

• Roxie (Beagle, 44 lbs.): Yes, but she is a truly pathetic and depressed dog, and I wouldn’t bring her in the woods in the first place.

• Sophie (Boxer-Lab mix, 47 lbs.): No way. I hate Sophie. She jumps on me when I’m at my dad’s house, and I have to carry a baseball bat around to keep her off me. I’d leave her in the woods. Actually, I’d serve her to the bear on a silver platter.

So, good for the guy that he helped his dog, but I would have preferred that he fought a much larger bear.

5 Responses to “Man versus Bear.”

1. Andrew Jackson Says:
   July 25th, 2006 at 10:25 AM

Listen to me, you miscreant! If you want to kill a bear, which I have on several occasions, you must do it with your bear hands. There’s a reason they’re called “bear hands,” so use them! And don’t even think about using bear arms to kill bears. I’ve tried dueling bears, and the stubborn ragamuffins refuse to respect the rules of dueling. Besides, there is no law that allows you to bear arms.

I also understand that you’ve returned to the city named after me to teach at Paxon, a place where young people go to learn things. Why anyone would need to go to someplace to get an education is beyond me. Nevertheless, make certain to get a room on the first floor with windows facing an open area, and keep the blinds up, won’t you? Aaron has been talking alot of smack about me, and he’s well due for a beating. I thought you might like to witness it.

Hold fast,
Andy J.

PS – How would you like to be in my Cabinet? My old friend from Kentucky, Toothless Pete, has bailed on me for my newly created position: “Secretary of Dueling.” Someone with your background of fighting crime would be perfect for it. Just think about it.

1. Andrew Jackson Says:
   July 25th, 2006 at 3:03 PM

Down with the Whigs!

1. VDV Says:
   July 25th, 2006 at 7:26 PM

Sadly, I will not have my old room this year, and am unlikely to be in any rooms that would accommodate Jacksonian Guerrilla Theater. You may have to stick to film.

1. Doctor Hmnahmna Says:
   July 26th, 2006 at 6:46 AM

So, after your yearlong sabbitical in Chicago, did you gain anything besides weight and high cholesterol?

1. VDV Says:
   July 26th, 2006 at 8:35 PM

I gained oodles of knowledge, wisdom and experience; a greater appreciation for superior food and city road grids; and 20,000 more miles on my car.