As a Cubs fan, I am trying to decide which is the most logical interpretation of the White Sox’s victory tonight (and if anyone knows the correct possessive form of “Sox,” let me know). The most likely possibilities:

1. The Victory of the White Sox bodes well for the Cubs. The Red Sox won last year after the third-longest wait in major league history (86 years), and the White Sox won this year after the second-longest wait in major league history (88 years). Therefore, logically, the Cubs will win next year after the longest wait in major league history (next year will be 98).

2. The Victory of the White Sox completes the ultimate karmic insult to the Cubs. Two years ago the Cubs, the longest-cursed team in the majors, were five outs away from going to the World Series when everything went… well, let’s just say “wrong.” Then the baseball gods rubbed it in by allowing the 2nd and 3rd longest-cursed teams to win the Series in the next two years. One of those teams, of course, was the Cubs’ crosstown rivals.

3. My arrival in Chicago gave the White Sox the additional karmic boost they needed to overcome their drought. Therefore, logically, a major Chicago sports team will win the championship every year I live here.

If it’s number 3, I should send Mayor Daley a bill.

This entry was originally posted on Thursday, October 27th, 2005 at 12:44 AM.

4 Responses to “A rational analysis of the Victory of the White Sox.”

Doctor Hmnahmna Says:
October 27th, 2005 at 8:03 PM
You forgot the following:

4. If the Cubbies pull it out, it will signify the end of the age.

5. The Bears will continue to suck. After the Blackhawks in ‘06, the Bulls in ‘07, the Cubbies in ‘08, and the Apocalypse in ‘09, there will be no more opportunity for the Bears. Can the power of the Ditka hold off the Second Coming long enough for one more Bears championship before Judgement Day? Probably not.

jmanpc Says:
October 29th, 2005 at 1:32 PM
Possibility 5: The White Sox are really good and the Cubs suck.

I dunno. It just seems logical to me.

Possessive form of Sox: Sox’s (Good job, you got it right. Maybe you should pursue a career in elementary education and teach small children the meaning of the phrase ’such is life’. It’d be great if more small children were sarcastic and cynical; especially if they shunned the stupid kids. You know, like the ones who think 2+2=22. Speaking of stupid people, you could teach the munchkins to enjoy politics, because there are too many politically incompetent people around, like the people who think raising minimum wage will solve all poverty problems. Little kids should know basic economic principles like inflation… but I digress.)

Vincent Viscariello Says:
October 29th, 2005 at 6:28 PM
Typical jmanpc… sucking up after you’re out of my classes. A bit “politically incompetent,” wouldn’t you say?

jmanpc Says:
October 29th, 2005 at 8:57 PM
Sucking up by saying you should be a elementary school teacher? I dont think so. I just enjoy your sarcasm and cynicism. And I hate stupid people.

I was schlepping around on the internet this afternoon when a headline on the Drudge Report caught my eye:

New Bond: I hate guns…

Surely, Ian Fleming is rolling in his grave. Bad enough that this clown, Daniel Craig, has blond hair. Bond is supposed to be a heavy-drinking, chain-smoking, mildly cruel, womanizing badass like Sean Connery, not a whining, fair-haired, panty-waisted ninny who spouts drivel about how “scary” guns and bullets are.

I know, I know: Daniel Craig isn’t really James Bond, he’s just an actor playing a fictional character. Well, hopefully he can pull off not acting like a wuss. He could also use a last name.

Even more disturbing is this quote from Roger Moore, who acted in more of the crappy Bond flicks than anyone: “Today I am completely opposed to small arms and what they can do to children. I played every role tongue-in-cheek because I don’t really believe in that sort of hero. I don’t like guns.” Let’s break this down:

• “Today I am completely opposed to small arms and what they can do to children.”

First, which children are we talking about? Second, nobody likes “what they can do to children.” But everybody likes what guns can do to thieves, rapists, murderers, terrorists and pumpkins.

• “I played every role tongue-in-cheek because I don’t really believe in that sort of hero.”

Is that what it was? I used to think that Roger actually played every role tongue-in-cheek because he didn’t really believe in a golden-gunned, triple-nippled supervillain with a Solex Agitator; or an underwater city housing the progenitors of a race of superhumans; or a space-based city housing the progenitors of a race of superhumans; or a seven-foot henchman with metallic teeth who can chew through steel bridge cables and survive a fall from a plane without a parachute; or twin KGB assassins who double as knife-throwers in a circus; or an octopus cult made up of hot female superspies—the leader of which of course falls for Bond, the man who made her father kill himself; or a secretary who will give away her boss’s secrets and take a bullet for Bond within sixty seconds of meeting him; or a hot Russian female spy whose code name just happens to be a pornographic movie rating; or the whole concept of a seemingly ageless superspywho can drive, fly, operate, defuse, break, fix, shoot, stab, beat up or have sex with absolutely anyone or anything he wants without consequence… but I was mistaken! I guess if they’d just written Bond’s Walther PPK out of the scripts, then Roger would have played it straight.

• “I don’t like guns.”

We should have known; Roger’s hair was the wrong color, too.

[Dear Bond-philes: What somewhat unlikely events/people from the Moore movies did I leave out?]

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 25th, 2005 at 5:59 PM.

6 Responses to “The new “James Bond” may be a wuss.”

1. aabrock Says:
   October 25th, 2005 at 6:45 PM

I read that article too and was also surprised that Moore intentionally played Bond as “tongue-in-cheek”…I always thought it was the direction that the producers wanted to take theseries, I mean how else can you explain the increasingly cringe-worthy puns and heroine names that have gone on since he left? I hope we are not gearing up to be disappointed in Casino Royale.

Regardless, I still like the guy because of:
1) his extreme niceness in real life
2) his relative lack of ham-iness in For Your Eyes Only
3) http://darrellreimer.com/?p=101

Speaking of the new Bond, he is kinda short and blond but he can play it serious…Layer Cake was a pretty good movie.

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 25th, 2005 at 6:54 PM

Don’t get me wrong, I do like Roger Moore (and he was good in Live and Let Die, also). But what he said created a disturbance I haven’t felt since… well, it just aggravated me, that’s all. It seems to me that an actor who opposes guns shouldn’t star as a hero who relies on them to save the world.

1. aabrock Says:
   October 25th, 2005 at 8:15 PM

Well while we are here, let me see if this will stire things up:
http://www.cinematical.com/2005/10/24/cinematical-seven-the-best-bond-movies/

Now I am not saying that I agree with everything on here (replace Goldfinger with FRWL) but at least someone else appreciated Timothy Dalton and plots that don’t place earth/silicon valley/instanbul on the edge destruction. And enough with the nuclear weapons; what did master spies ever do before the atom bomb?

1. scrappy Says:
   October 26th, 2005 at 7:02 PM

I have always had the dream of blasting a pumpkin into bits with a shotgun.

1. jmanpc Says:
   October 26th, 2005 at 7:54 PM

ive always had the dream of blasting crappy james bonds with a shotgun.

1. domthebomb Says:
   November 4th, 2005 at 6:47 PM

Roger Moore is my favorite Bond. And Live and Let Die is my favorite Bond movie (so far). Moore was cool, Sean Connery was just skanky.

Due to the large number of student recommendations I’ve had to write since leaving Paxon, I have decided to post a generic recommendation form. Simply copy the text into a Word or Works file, change the date, replace [full] with your full name, [first] with your first name, and “her” with “his” or “him” when necessary. Also, note in the second-to-last paragraph, I say that I will only date or marry women with your name–well, if you’re male, you’ll need to add an “a” to the end of your name or use a feminine form of your name. I’ve put everything you need to edit in boldface. When you’re done, just put a couple of letter “V”s followed by some squigglies for a signature. Good luck.

. . .

[today’s date]

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to strongly and emphatically recommend [full] for admission into your university. It shocks and appalls me that she would even need my recommendation. One would think that the mere presence of her name on the application would automatically lead to admission—one, that is, who knows the real [full].

My first encounter with [first] was on August 14, 1972, nineteen months after I was taken prisoner in Viet Nam. My captors tortured me, kept me in solitary confinement, and starved me for weeks at a time. They tried to make me denounce my country, but I knew that if I could stay strong long enough, my country would come through for me. Finally, after three Special Ops units had been wiped out in failed attempts to rescue me, the Pentagon sent her in.

I will never forget that steamy day when she parachuted in and wiped out every VC within five miles. I will never forget it: the screams of my captors as she butchered them, the door to my cell being blasted open, and then [first] coming through with the head of a prison guard impaled on her bayonet. Nor will I forget her sheer elation upon learning that a shell-shocked, beaten, tortured man such as myself could, having grown heartless and bitter throughout the brutality, still shed a tear, joyous at the sight of a savior’s friendly face—[first]’s face. For beneath her cold, ruthless, bloodthirsty exterior was the warm, nurturing heart of a loving soul.

[first] saved my life. [first] taught me calculus and archery. [first] is ambidextrous and telepathic. [first] knows the etymology of every word in the OED and always uses the correct verb tense. [first] knows the last ten digits of pi (π) and can divide by zero. [first] can carve ice sculptures with chainsaws and can etch secret codes on grains of sand with her heat vision. [first]dug the Grand Canyon with her mighty pickaxe and destroyed Atlantis when its people displeased her. [first] saved Earth from [first name spelled backwards]—her evil twin from an alternate universe—and her army of giant robotic bumblebees.

Knowing [first] has truly changed my life. On my back I have tattooed “[first]” in 58 languages, including Egyptian hieroglyphics, Elvish and Klingon. I will only date women named [first], and my wife will be named [first]. I am going to name all of my children after her. I shall name my daughters [five feminine variations of your first/middle names], and they shall be beautiful and graceful. I shall name my sons [five masculine variations of your first/middle names], and they shall be handsome and strong.

Understand that your failure to admit [full] will bring the full fury of my wrath down to bear upon every employee and trustee of your puny university, as well as their loved ones. You don’t want any of this. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Vincent D. Viscariello

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 20th, 2005 at 3:58 PM.

9 Responses to “Mr. V’s Generic Recommendation Form”

1. aabrock Says:
   October 21st, 2005 at 10:32 AM

Wow Dom, I had no idea you taught Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry! Also, try your hand a writing a few madlibs…I think you have what it takes.

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 21st, 2005 at 1:12 PM

Aabrock, it is totally unrealistic to suggest that I am old enough to have taught John Kerry.

(Next time I talk to you, if I call you “ab-rock” instead of your real name, I apologize.)

1. Vivienne Says:
   October 21st, 2005 at 8:47 PM

My name is male. Same as my middle name (mom and her grandfather were “tight”- as those young people say- and needless to say, my middle name is his name, just spelled different).
The masculinity of my names pose a problem for that almost-last paragraph.

1. jmanpc Says:
   October 22nd, 2005 at 5:59 PM

i might actually use that and see what happens

1. donnimikk Says:
   October 23rd, 2005 at 11:09 AM

Do you think Harvard will let me in with that?

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 23rd, 2005 at 11:51 AM

Into what?

1. Cetentae Says:
   October 31st, 2005 at 11:12 PM

I’m glad I never asked you for a recommendation!

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   November 1st, 2005 at 3:59 PM

You should’ve; you’d be in Harvard, gratis.

1. PaxonGator Says:
   November 24th, 2005 at 9:54 PM

Off and sent to JU, knew there was a reason for them waiving my application fee.

Normally, I am aware of the context of my dreams; I am aware of certain assumptions or premises that lead into the story. Not so in the one I had a few nights ago…

The dream begins with me in a tuxedo at a wedding. I am confused, because I have no idea how I got here. I’m looking around, trying to figure out whose wedding it is, what I’m doing here, what my character’s motivation is, et cetera.

It is my wedding. My friends Evans, Patton, and Chip are standing as groomsmen, I see the bridesmaids, and the minister is my friend Tim. I see the guests, my family on the right side of the church and the bride’s family on the left. But I still don’t know who the bride is.

I think it might be a certain girl from college, whom we shall call “Martha Quinn”—in which case I’d be utterly fascinated to know how the hell I pulled that off. Or perhaps it’s a certain girl from after college, whom we shall call “Ingrid Bergman”—in which case I’d be utterly fascinated to know why the hell I pulled that off.

The minister gives the go-ahead, and, shivering with anticipation, I turn to my bride and pull back the veil.

And then I just plain shiver.

She is not attractive. At all. She is the antithesis of attractive. If I had commissioned artists to draw “pug fugly,” they could not have come up with this. Actually, that may not be true; she looks like Moe Szyslak, except blonde and uglier. And she is smiling at me.

With fortitude heretofore unknown to Mankind, I refrain from showing my revulsion. The PG-rated version of my first coherent thought is: “There is no way I will consummate this marriage.” How can I? I desperately want to vomit and she’s still got her clothes on.

I look to the minister, hoping to see some hint on his face that this is all a big prank. No such luck. I look at the groomsmen. They’re smiling, happy for me. So are the bridesmaids. So are the families. Everybody in the building is radiating pure joy. This is not good.

A little context here would be useful, but there is none. As God is my witness, I have no idea how this happened. How did I meet this woman-thing in the first place? How could I have asked her to marry me? Had the courtship, engagement, and ceremony all been arranged five minutes ago while I was in the bathroom? Hadn’t I ever been sober enough to call it off, or had I been drunk, high and in a coma since we first met?

My mind races, trying to figure out how to get out of this, fast. Should I just object when the minister asks? Do they even ask for objections at weddings anymore? Should I say, “I don’t” when the minister asks, “Do you?”

I look at the woman-thing’s family. They’re beaming; happier than pigs in slop. They look like the type of nurturing, supportive family that would tear me limb from bloody limb, right there on holy ground, if I didn’t marry their girl. So I can’t just make a break for it. I’ve got to go through with it, for now.

Maybe I can have the marriage annulled. Or I can get a divorce–hopefully, tomorrow. I mean, I don’t even know what her name is, where she grew up, what her favorite song is, what her cat’s name is, what she wants out of life… that’s a good excuse, isn’t it? How bad would it look that my first marriage lasted a day? Would I have to go into hiding from her family? How do I explain to her that there will be absolutely no honeymoon-suite festivities, tonight or ever? After all, I’m a sensitive guy and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Still smiling, I am in total panic. This is the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. This is worse than the one when I fell out of the airplane. This is worse than the one when I was shot by an axe murderer. This is worse than the one when I saw my sister gunned down on national television. This is worse than the one when I saw “Martha Quinn” and a four-year old boy who looked an awful lot like me (it turned out okay; I escaped). This is even worse than the very first nightmare I can remember, when Kermit the Frog turned into a vampire.

Finally, the moment of total, perfect, absolute doom comes, and the minister begins to ask the question: “Do you…”

Mercifully, my alarm woke me.

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 16th, 2005 at 8:26 PM.

14 Responses to “Nightmare.”

1. Area2 Says:
   October 17th, 2005 at 12:16 PM

In case you have another nightmare like this, go ahead and get married and kiss the bride. The worst that could happen is that she turns into Kermit the Frog. You could do worse.

1. domthebomb Says:
   October 17th, 2005 at 3:31 PM

how do you know she wasn’t thinking the same thing?

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 17th, 2005 at 3:46 PM

Impossible, for two reasons:
1. I’m not blond.
2. I’m “The Bomb,” remember?

1. domthebomb Says:
   October 17th, 2005 at 7:02 PM

1) okay…almost the same thing. minus the “blond” part.
2)Oh, you thought “the bomb” had positive connotations?

just take comfort in knowing that somewhere in eastern germany a woman named ADOLWOLFA was waking up in the same cold sweat.

[Moderator: East German woman’s name altered to protect her privacy.]

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 18th, 2005 at 12:48 AM

I must admit that I did think “the bomb” had positive connotations when used as slang. Maybe I was wrong, but I’m going to need some empirical evidence.

So for the next week, if something upsets me, I will say, “That was the bomb!” If the Bears lose to the Ravens next week, I will say, “Man, those Bears are the bomb.” When my roommate’s cats (one of which is named “Vinnie,” incidentally) sneak into my room just to aggravate me, I will say, “Quit being the bomb, you little bombs!” When I get cut off in traffic, I will call the offending driver a “motherbomber.”

And we’ll see how that goes. Then, the week after that, I will revert to using it as connoting positivity. When I finish reading Former Mormon Student’s book, I will say, “I am the bomb, for I have finished the book.” When I call up my five year old cousin, I will ask my aunt, “Hey, can I talk to The Bomb?” When I get my Italian roast beef sandwich at Portillo’s, I will finish it and scream, “That sammich was the bomb, holla” at the top of my lungs.

I will then make a rational, scientific judgement about whether it is better to be “the bomb” or not. None of which changes the fact that the monster in my nightmare was ugly.

1. aabrock Says:
   October 18th, 2005 at 12:53 PM

Interesting dream…wish I could sympathize but I can only empathize as I hardly ever remember my dreams. There is only one dream in my life I can specificly recall: being chased by a giant in-makeup Gene Simmons, inspired by a freaky KISS pinball machine. But even though I do not remember dreams I know it when I AM dreaming. On multiple occasions I am 100% certain that it is a dream and not only that I have the power to wake up whenever I want. Seems like you needed that power in your dream…

And am I the only one that laughed at Dom being SHOT by an axe murderer? Had he misplaced his poison?

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 18th, 2005 at 2:06 PM

Actually, in some of my dreams I do have that “power.” Example: in one I was dressed up for Halloween as a rock-n-rollin’ demon and chasing this miniature version of… oh, never mind.

1. domthebomb Says:
   October 18th, 2005 at 5:05 PM

don’t talk about your wife like that!
oh and your roomie’s cat’s name is ironic…because the greatest nickname for you ever would be “Vinnie the Pooh”-spelling optional. (it works much better spoken.) And feel free to gather empirical evidence as to the connotations of “pooh” as well.

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 18th, 2005 at 9:15 PM

Now, domthebomb… when you leave comments like that, it makes me think you don’t love me. (I can’t find the smiley that actually sheds tears.)

1. domthebomb Says:
   October 19th, 2005 at 3:47 PM

😥

1. jaxaca Says:
   October 19th, 2005 at 7:26 PM

i enjoyed the shooting axe murderer as well ‘aabrock.’ I guess there are better ways to go.

1. Doctor Hmnahmna Says:
   October 24th, 2005 at 9:31 PM

Just remember, it could have been, say “Myanmar.” Then I would have at least had a twinkle in my eye.

Is ordination inherited?

Hm.

1. Lassie-v 5.0 Says:
   October 27th, 2005 at 6:30 PM

Thanks alot Mr. V. now I’m gonna have a freakin’ nightmare too. oh well what can ya do?
-You favorite ex-student whose brother you also taught

1. Simplexity17 Says:
   November 5th, 2005 at 1:31 AM

“Hadn’t I ever been sober enough to call it off, or had I been drunk, high and in a coma since we first met?”

I laughed at this for a very long time. At least it was just a dream…

It seems your personal anguish tickles me, but only because it was all only in your head. Which brings me to the point of commenting, do you have a problem with blondes? I should hope not…Oh yes and by the way, I am pleased to no end that your sense of humor is still in tact. “…destroyed Atlantis when its people displeased her…On my back I have tattooed ‘[first]’ in 58 languages, including Egyptian hieroglyphics…”

I would like to be able to activate my car’s center brake light without hitting the brakes. Hopefully this would cause the tailgaters to back off. I want to be able to look in my rearview mirror, see that the impatient moron behind me is so close that… well, so close that I’m worried I’ll get hit, smirk my little smirk, and, with the James Bond theme playing in my head, press… The Button.

The driver behind me would see the center brake light and panic, believing that I’ve actually slammed on my brakes in the high speed lane of a major interstate with no other cars in sight. And as he reflexively hit his own brakes, hopefully spilling his coffee in his lap, I would calmly pull away, still going the same 5-miles-under-the-limit-speed that caused him to ride my bumper like that in the first place.

I’ve already got the perfect place on my dashboard for The Button: the passenger belt warning light that looks like a perfectly pressable button. Whenever someone’s sitting there without her belt buckled, the light starts flashing. I immediately lean over to press it, hoping that this will be the time it’ll activate the ejector seat, or electrocute the passenger. No such luck. So as long as it’s sitting there, doing nothing, I may as well turn it into The Button.

Since I’m on the subject, I think the hazard light button on my dashboard should also have enhanced functions. If I were an alien sitting in my Corolla for the first time, and I saw a black button with a red triangle within a red triangle, I would assume that that button activated a heads-up targeting system for miniguns or guided missiles (the hazard symbol has always reminded me of the targeting lights from Predator). The perfect place for the firing mechanism would be the overdrive toggle on my gear shift. I never use that thing anyways; it’s always on.

Never mind what prompted these thoughts, because I know you’ve had them too.

All this, of course, assumes that I have any working knowledge of automotive electronics, which I don’t. So I must turn to my dear engineering friends from Clemson. This is your hour.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 13th, 2005 at 3:22 PM.

7 Responses to “A useful button.”

1. twink Says:
   October 14th, 2005 at 9:15 AM

You could always get a bumper sticker that says “Get off my ass or I’ll shoot”.

1. clarkkent Says:
   October 16th, 2005 at 1:20 PM

mr. v

i just want to disregard your post and call you inspirational and fawn over you because youre hot and stuff. but if i was commenting on this particular post, id say that youd have to have t.w.d. install a flux capacitor to your car, because time travel is far more useful than a fake brake like….if you are appealing to clemson engineers that is.

1. jmanpc Says:
   October 16th, 2005 at 4:16 PM

So drivers in Chicago are just as inconsiderate as they are in Jacksonville? This must be stopped.

1. Vincent Viscariello Says:
   October 16th, 2005 at 8:36 PM

Clark–

I would laugh at the first part of your comment if I didn’t know you were being sincere. But instead I’m going to eat a grilled cheese sammich.

1. clarkkent Says:
   October 17th, 2005 at 9:36 PM

touche, mon frer….

1. Doctor Hmnahmna Says:
   October 24th, 2005 at 6:25 PM

I’m too busy to put in the flux capacitor. You’ll just have to make do with the nuclear reactor I’m assembling.

1. Simplexity17 Says:
   November 5th, 2005 at 1:45 AM

Genius, pure genius. But due to my lack of this fine device I am forced to actually “brake check” the…um…[insert word here]. In fact, today, as I was pacing myself at a steady 70MPH along Toll Road 417 on my way home from UCF for the weekend I was being tailgated and, because of my lack of “The Button” I was forced to actually remove my foot from the accelerator and tap on the brake. She proceeded to drive up beside me, roll down her window, yell at me that she was in a hurry, shoot me “the bird” and get back behind me where she immediately continued to tailgate. Yes, The Button would make millions. Start working…