questionnaire

Questionnaire 10.

The creative juices are running low. Here’re some questions culled from the internets:

1. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST PROM DATE? I did not attend either of my proms. I attended soccer tournaments, one of which we won.

2. DO YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR FIRST LOVE? No.

3. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Today? Nothing yet.

4. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST JOB? I was a clerk at the Soccer Stop the summer before my senior year of high school. The location I worked at shut down years ago, but the best part was the nearby KFC that offered the best combo ever: six chicken nuggets, a side of cheap, airy, crispy fries (this was before they switched to steak fries), and a Pepsi for three dollars and nineteen cents.

5. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A silver 1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It belonged to my father before me, and his father before him.

6. WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO TEXT YOU TODAY? A coworker.

7. WHO IS THE FIRST PERSON YOU THOUGHT OF THIS MORNING? I elect not to remember.

8. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST GRADE TEACHER? Miss Tammany. She kicked me out of the reading group for reading ahead and spoiling the ending for the rest of the group. Some people.

9. WHERE DID YOU GO ON YOUR FIRST RIDE ON AN AIRPLANE? I think it was to Chicago back around 1980, but the first flight I can remember was to Phoenix via Houston and Albuquerque.

10. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST BEST FRIEND & DO YOU STILL TALK? A kid named Gavin. No.

11. WHERE WAS YOUR FIRST SLEEPOVER? The hospital, a few hours after birth. I say it counts.

12. WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU TALKED TO TODAY? The kid behind the counter at Panera. She gave me a cinnamon bagel and some plain cream cheese. Good kid.

13. WHOSE WEDDING WERE YOU IN THE FIRST TIME? Aabrock’s and Nikita’s.

14. WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU DID THIS MORNING? Shower.

15. WHAT WAS THE FIRST CONCERT YOU EVER WENT TO? Not counting high school bands, it was some unmemorable local band in Clemson.

16. FIRST TATTOO? None, unless you want to count the end of an axle carving into my back. That mark stuck around a couple of years.

17. FIRST PIERCING? None, unless you want to count when I was stabbed in the leg by some careless idiot in art class.

18. FIRST FOREIGN COUNTRY YOU WENT TO? None.

19. FIRST MOVIE YOU REMEMBER SEEING? In the theater: The Empire Strikes Back.

20. WHEN WAS YOUR FIRST DETENTION? Never. I can’t be detained.

21. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST ROOMMATE? Aside from family, it was a band geek named Steve. Considering the psychopaths and slobs I’d room with later, he was probably my best roommate.

22. IF YOU HAD ONE WISH, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To be able to fall asleep at will.

23. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD LEARN IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE? I suppose I do have the chance… computer programming, a foreign language or two, mind control.

24. DID YOU MARRY THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK FOR YOUR HAND IN MARRIAGE? Nope.

25. WHAT WAS THE FIRST SPORT YOU WERE INVOLVED IN? Soccer.

26. WHAT WERE THE FIRST LESSONS YOU EVER TOOK? I’m not sure I took any lessons other than at school. I vaguely remember going someplace for gifted class when I was in kindergarten, and I vaguely remember having to see a speech therapist in elementary school.

27. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU GET HOME? Take off my shoes.

28. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU PUT IN YOUR MOUTH? Cuppa tea.

29. WHERE WAS YOUR PROFILE PICTURE TAKEN? At Patton’s wedding in Phoenix. That was three years ago, I may have to update it.

30. CAN YOU PLAY GUITAR HERO? No, I have too much to do this afternoon.

31. NAME SOMEONE WHO MADE YOU LAUGH TODAY? Nobody, yet.

32. HOW LATE DID YOU STAY UP LAST NIGHT AND WHY? Intentionally: midnight, no reason. Unintentionally: around 1:30, insomnia.

33. IF YOU COULD MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE, WOULD YOU? I suppose I would, given the right circumstances.

34. EVER BEEN KISSED UNDER FIREWORKS? Yes.

35. WHICH OF YOUR FRIENDS LIVES CLOSEST TO YOU? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I respect their privacy; that’s why we’re still friends.

36. DO YOU BELIEVE EXES CAN BE FRIENDS? In theory, yes, but I am not interested in testing the theory.

37. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DR PEPPER? He’s a good man who’s done some good work.

38. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED REALLY HARD? When Wendy’s signed a 10-year contract with Coca-Cola. I was a big Pepsi fan at the time, so I didn’t take it well.

39. WHO TOOK YOUR PROFILE PICTURE? The photographer at the Pattons’ wedding.

40. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TOOK A PICTURE OF? Hold on, let me check the camera… it was me! More specifically, it was a picture of the screw cap where my tooth should be. My sister wanted to see what it looked like.

41. WAS YESTERDAY BETTER THAN TODAY? No; no Champions’ League today.

42. CAN YOU LIVE A DAY WITHOUT TELEVISION? Yes.

43. ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING? Not yet. Why?

44. DO YOU THINK RELATIONSHIPS ARE EVER REALLY WORTH IT? Yes.

45. ARE YOU A BAD INFLUENCE? If you mean in the sense of being poor at influencing people, then no. If you mean in the sense of having a negative influence on people, then… no.

46. NIGHT OUT OR NIGHT IN? Out or in of what? Why not both?

47. WHAT ITEMS COULD YOU NOT GO WITHOUT DURING THE DAY? Oxygen, probably. Water, possibly.

48. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU VISITED IN THE HOSPITAL. Aunt Mary.

49. WHAT DOES THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE IN YOUR INBOX SAY? “OK”

50. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW? Not too shabby.

51. DO YOU HATE ANYONE? I reckon I do, but the objects of my ire keep their distance, so all is well.

Questionnaire 9.

Here’s another twofer. The first batch comes from a website called Marc and Angel Hack Life:

THESE QUESTIONS HAVE NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS. BECAUSE SOMETIMES ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS IS THE ANSWER.

1. HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE? My current age. Not knowing one’s age does not affect one’s age. How old would I guess I am if I didn’t know my age? Probably 35.

2. WHICH IS WORSE, FAILING OR NEVER TRYING? This depends on what failing entails. Failing at bungee-jumping or skydiving or Russian roulette is probably worse than never trying any of the three. But assuming we’re talking about less life-threatening activities, then never trying is generally worse.

3. IF LIFE IS SO SHORT, WHY DO WE DO SO MANY THINGS WE DON’T LIKE AND LIKE SO MANY THINGS WE DON’T DO? I had a fascinating discussion with a high school classmate about this sort of thing just yesterday. But the economist in my brain just kicked in and here’s a possible answer: diminishing marginal returns. The more often you repeat an activity, the less additional utility/happiness/satisfaction/whatever each repetition will bring you. Sooner or later, the repeated activity brings less marginal utility than you would get from the things you haven’t done.

4. WHEN IT’S ALL SAID AND DONE, WILL YOU HAVE SAID MORE THAN YOU’VE DONE? Certainly. I don’t talk much.

5. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU’D MOST LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT THE WORLD? I’d like people to truly internalize the golden rule, the silver rule, the zero aggression principle, whatever you’d like to call it.

6. IF HAPPINESS WAS THE NATIONAL CURRENCY, WHAT KIND OF WORK WOULD MAKE YOU RICH? This is a stupid question. Happiness is currency, so I can trade away my happiness for…? Or am I not supposed to think that much about it? I’d be a professional wanderer, righting wrongs wherever I travelled, like the Hulk or the A-Team.

7. ARE YOU DOING WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, OR ARE YOU SETTLING FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING? I believe in what I’m doing, but I also believe it could be better.

8. IF THE AVERAGE HUMAN LIFE SPAN WAS 40 YEARS, HOW WOULD YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE DIFFERENTLY? Frankly? No differently. I’d just assume I was bringing the average up, and live as if I were going to die at age 128 as planned.

9. TO WHAT DEGREE HAVE YOU ACTUALLY CONTROLLED THE COURSE YOUR LIFE HAS TAKEN? Not as much as I’d like, but more than I think most folks can say.

10. ARE YOU MORE WORRIED ABOUT DOING THINGS RIGHT, OR DOING THE RIGHT THINGS? Doing the right things.

11. YOU’RE HAVING LUNCH WITH THREE PEOPLE YOU RESPECT AND ADMIRE. THEY ALL START CRITICIZING A CLOSE FRIEND OF YOURS, NOT KNOWING SHE IS YOUR FRIEND. THE CRITICISM IS DISTASTEFUL AND UNJUSTIFIED. WHAT DO YOU DO? I correct them until they beg for mercy. Don’t be wrong around me.

12. IF YOU COULD OFFER A NEWBORN CHILD ONLY ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? “There is always more to the story.”

13. WOULD YOU BREAK THE LAW TO SAVE A LOVED ONE? Depends on the law, depends on what I’d be saving them from, and it depends on whether they deserve whatever I’d be saving them from.

14. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN INSANITY WHERE YOU LATER SAW CREATIVITY? Yes, and the other way around.

15. WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU KNOW YOU DO DIFFERENTLY THAN MOST PEOPLE? Think.

16. HOW COME THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY DON’T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY? Because, as a wise man once said, “Everyone is stupid except me.”

17. WHAT ONE THING HAVE YOU NOT DONE THAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO? WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK? Retire. Actually, that’s not true, technically I retired at age 28.

18. ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING YOU NEED TO LET GO OF? Knowing a bit about the mind, I assume so. And God help whoever it falls on when I drop it.

19. IF YOU HAD TO MOVE TO A STATE OR COUNTRY BESIDES THE ONE YOU CURRENTLY LIVE IN, WHERE WOULD YOU MOVE AND WHY? There’s always Chicagoland, for countless reasons. I could see living in Virginia again; I have several friends in the area and it has four seasons, unlike a certain town in a certain state I could mention but won’t. Another country? Maybe New Zealand. I hear good things.

20. DO YOU PUSH THE ELEVATOR BUTTON MORE THAN ONCE? DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT MAKES THE ELEVATOR FASTER? Yes. I don’t think it makes the elevator move faster, but I do think it helps to make sure I pressed the button hard enough.

21. WOULD YOU RATHER BE A WORRIED GENIUS OR A JOYFUL SIMPLETON? Worried genius. I’d be able to figure out how to be happier, but a joyful simpleton is stuck on stupid. Of course, he wouldn’t necessarily care.

22. WHY ARE YOU, YOU? What else could I possibly be?

23. HAVE YOU BEEN THE KIND OF FRIEND YOU WANT AS A FRIEND? Probably not, since I don’t hand gobs of cash and prizes to my friends.

24. WHICH IS WORSE, WHEN A GOOD FRIEND MOVES AWAY, OR LOSING TOUCH WITH A GOOD FRIEND WHO LIVES RIGHT NEAR YOU? Losing touch with a blah blah blah. It’s tough.

25. WHAT ARE YOU MOST GRATEFUL FOR? My longest-tenured friends.

26. WOULD YOU RATHER LOSE ALL OF YOUR OLD MEMORIES, OR NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE NEW ONES? I’ve seen dementia up close. I’ll take amnesia.

27. IS IT POSSIBLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH WITHOUT CHALLENGING IT FIRST? Yes, but I don’t think it’s possible to know that you know it without challenging it first.

28. HAS YOUR GREATEST FEAR EVER COME TRUE? Nope.

29. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME 5 YEARS AGO WHEN YOU WERE EXTREMELY UPSET? DOES IT REALLY MATTER NOW? I was upset five years ago? You kept a calendar?

30. WHAT IS YOUR HAPPIEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY? WHAT MAKES IT SO SPECIAL? For the sake of this question let’s limit “childhood” to “elementary school age.” It was seeing my grandfather walk in the door the night he and Gram moved to Jacksonville. It was as exciting as finding out that your favorite rock star or athlete or Transformer was moving in around the corner.

31. AT WHAT TIME IN YOUR RECENT PAST HAVE YOU FELT MOST PASSIONATE AND ALIVE? No comment. The Republic would fall.

32. IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN? When you least expect it.

33. IF YOU HAVEN’T ACHIEVED IT YET, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? The cost of achieving it. Should I turn off the economist for these sorts of questions?

34. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH SOMEONE, SAID NOTHING, AND WALKED AWAY FEELING LIKE YOU JUST HAD THE BEST CONVERSATION EVER? Yes, though not often.

35. WHY DO RELIGIONS THAT SUPPORT LOVE CAUSE SO MANY WARS? Because the other religions are wrong.

36. IS IT POSSIBLE TO KNOW, WITHOUT A DOUBT, WHAT IS GOOD AND WHAT IS EVIL? There are situations in which the distinction is undoubtedly certain.

37. IF YOU JUST WON A MILLION DOLLARS, WOULD YOU QUIT YOUR JOB? Not immediately. I’d at least finish the school year before figuring out what do to next.

38. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE LESS WORK TO DO, OR MORE WORK YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY DOING? More work that I actually enjoy doing.

39. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE LIVED THIS DAY A HUNDRED TIMES BEFORE? Maybe not a hundred times, but many times.

40. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU MARCHED INTO THE DARK WITH ONLY THE SOFT GLOW OF AN IDEA YOU STRONGLY BELIEVED IN? I don’t know.

41. IF YOU KNEW THAT EVERYONE YOU KNOW WAS GOING TO DIE TOMORROW, WHO WOULD YOU VISIT TODAY? Since many of them read this, I choose not to pick favorites.

42. WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO REDUCE YOUR LIFE EXPECTANCY BY 10 YEARS TO BECOME EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE OR FAMOUS? My life expectancy? Sure. My life span? I’d have to know what it is. I might be willing to die at the ripe young age of 118 if– wait a minute. I would like to challenge a particular premise of the question.

43. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING ALIVE AND TRULY LIVING? The latter means enjoying the former and is a subset of the former.

44. WHEN IS IT TIME TO STOP CALCULATING RISK AND REWARDS, AND JUST GO AHEAD AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT? False dichotomy. Doing what you know is right is part of the reward. I also enjoy deconstructing “the ends justify the means” because the means and their consequences are part of the ends.

45. IF WE LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES, WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SO AFRAID TO MAKE A MISTAKE? Because some mistakes hurt, you dumbass.

46. WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY IF YOU KNEW NOBODY WOULD JUDGE YOU? Not pay my bills.

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU NOTICED THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN BREATHING? I actually notice it quite often. I enjoy breathing, and expect to do so for some time.

48. WHAT DO YOU LOVE? HAVE ANY OF YOUR RECENT ACTIONS OPENLY EXPRESSED THIS LOVE? I love playing soccer. I have, in fact, recently openly professed my love of playing soccer. However, I have not acted in a way that expresses said love of playing soccer.

49. IN 5 YEARS FROM NOW, WILL YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID YESTERDAY? WHAT ABOUT THE DAY BEFORE THAT? OR THE DAY BEFORE THAT? Yes, yes, no. I won’t remember the precise dates, but I’ll remember the events.

50. DECISIONS ARE BEING MADE RIGHT NOW. THE QUESTION IS: ARE YOU MAKING THEM FOR YOURSELF, OR ARE YOU LETTING OTHERS MAKE THEM FOR YOU? Yes.

I don’t know where the next batch came from; it appears to have made the rounds. It’s not quite as deep as the previous questionnaire. I’ve edited some of the questions for propriety’s sake.

1. YOU CAN PRESS A BUTTON THAT WILL MAKE ANY ONE PERSON EXPLODE. WHO WOULD YOU BLOW UP? Vladimir Putin.

2. YOU CAN FLIP A SWITCH THAT WILL WIPE ANY BAND OR MUSICAL ARTIST OUT OF EXISTENCE. WHICH ONE WILL IT BE? Because most radios, phonographs, CD players, cassette decks, and electronic media devices already come with an OFF switch, which serves virtually the same purpose as your hypothetical switch (i.e., not having to hear the music), this seems wasteful. I’d rather have the flexibility assigned to the button in the previous question so that– wait, never mind. I choose Madonna. It’s time for her to stop.

3. WHO WOULD YOU REALLY LIKE TO JUST PUNCH IN THE FACE? Without having them cease to exist? My old buddy Lego. I think a punch in the face might be therapeutic.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHEESE? Bocconcini.

5. YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ONE KIND OF SANDWICH. EVERY SANDWICH INGREDIENT KNOWN TO HUMANKIND IS AT YOUR IMMEDIATE DISPOSAL. WHAT WOULD IT BE? Tough call. Either an Italian roast beef (mozzarella, bell peppers, wet) from Portillo’s or an Eat Me from the old Wired Café.

6. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO [go on a date] WITH THE MOVIE-CELEBRITY OF YOUR CHOICE. WE ARE TALKING NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED [date] AND IT CAN ONLY HAPPEN ONCE (THEY WILL NEVER CALL YOU BACK). WHO IS IT? I must decline to answer, for picking one famous actress would doubtless make hundreds of other actresses homicidally jealous. Riots might ensue.

7. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO [go on a date] WITH THE MUSIC-CELEBRITY OF YOUR CHOICE. SAME RULES AS ABOVE. WHO IS IT? See my response to #6.

8. NOW THAT YOU’VE [dated] TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN A ROW, YOU SEEM TO BE HAVING AN EXCELLENT DAY BECAUSE YOU JUST CAME ACROSS A HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL ON THE SIDEWALK. HOLY [guacamole], A HUNDRED BUCKS! HOW ARE YOU GONNA SPEND IT? I’d throw out all my socks and buy new ones.

9. YOU JUST GOT A FREE PLANE TICKET TO ANYWHERE. YOU HAVE TO DEPART RIGHT NOW. WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO? Italy.

10. UPON ARRIVAL TO THE AFOREMENTIONED LOCATION, YOU GET OFF THE PLANE AND DISCOVER ANOTHER HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL. NOW THAT YOU ARE IN THE NEW LOCATION, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO TO SPEND THAT? The first decent-lookin’ restaurant I can find. Why, does Italy have other stuff?

11. AN ANGEL APPEARS OUT OF HEAVEN AND OFFERS YOU A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF THE ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE OF YOUR CHOICE. “BE BRAND-SPECIFIC” IT SAYS. MAN! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY ABOUT THAT? EVEN IF YOU DON’T DRINK BOOZE THERE’S SOMETHING YOU CAN FIGURE OUT… SO WHAT’S IT GONNA BE? I’d somehow wrangle my own vineyard out of this, and therefore choose my own brand. Something red because I want to cook red sauce with it.

12. RUFUS APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A TIME-TRAVELING PHONE BOOTH. YOU CAN GO ANYTIME IN THE PAST. WHAT TIME ARE YOU TRAVELING TO AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN YOU GET THERE? I’d go back to the Constitutional Convention in Philly and make them ban slavery and tariffs. Lame, true, but you’d thank me if you, with your meager understanding of time-travel, quantum mechanics, and chronometric particle generation, knew how much I’d improved your reality.

13. YOU DISCOVER A BEAUTIFUL ISLAND UPON WHICH YOU MAY BUILD YOUR OWN SOCIETY. YOU MAKE THE RULES. WHAT IS THE FIRST RULE YOU PUT INTO PLACE? The silver rule.

14. YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO CREATE THE HALF-HOUR TV SHOW OF YOUR OWN DESIGN. WHAT IS IT CALLED AND WHAT’S THE PREMISE? I’d bring back Twin Peaks, throw it on HBO, and let Lynch go nuts.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE EXPLETIVE? ‘Sblood. I don’t actually use it, but it’s my favorite.

16. ONE NIGHT YOU WAKE UP BECAUSE YOU HEARD A NOISE. YOU TURN ON THE LIGHT TO FIND THAT YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY MUMMIES. THE MUMMIES AREN’T REALLY DOING ANYTHING; THEY’RE JUST STANDING AROUND YOUR BED. WHAT DO YOU DO? Ignite them.

17. YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE, HOLY [frijoles]! YOU HAVE JUST ENOUGH TIME TO RUN IN THERE AND GRAB ONE INANIMATE OBJECT. DON’T WORRY YOUR LOVED ONES AND PETS HAVE ALREADY MADE IT OUT SAFELY. SO WHAT’S THE ONE THING YOU’RE GOING TO SAVE FROM THAT BLAZING INFERNO? The lockbox with the secret codes inside.

18. THE ANGEL OF DEATH HAS DESCENDED UPON YOU. FORTUNATELY, THE ANGEL OF DEATH IS PRETTY COOL AND IN A GOOD MOOD, AND IT OFFERS YOU A HALF-HOUR TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT BEFORE YOU BITE IT. WHATCHA GONNA DO IN THAT HALF-HOUR? Feast in a great hall with friends and family, taking turns toasting each other.

19. YOU ACCIDENTALLY EAT SOME RADIOACTIVE VEGETABLES. THEY WERE GOOD, AND WHAT’S EVEN COOLER IS THAT THEY ENDOW YOU WITH THE SUPER-POWER OF YOUR CHOICE! WHAT’S IT GONNA BE? Just one? The “Zach Morris Time Out” from “Saved by the Bell.” I saw a video clip somewhere explaining why that was the best superpower ever.

20. YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR BEING A TIME-TRAVELING HEATHEN WHO [dates] CELEBRITIES AND HAS SUPER-POWERS. BUT CHECK THIS OUT… YOU CAN MOVE TO ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD! WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE IN NOW? I’ll wander the Earth and use my superpowers to right wrongs.

21. YOU HAVE BEEN ETERNALLY BANNED FROM EVERY SINGLE BAR IN THE WORLD EXCEPT FOR ONE. WHICH ONE IS IT GONNA BE? It’s not worth even a second of my time to think about it. Just ban me from all of them.

22. HOPEFULLY YOU DIDN’T MENTION THIS IN THE SUPER-POWERS QUESTION…. IF YOU DID, THEN WE’LL JUST EXPAND ON THAT. CHECK IT OUT… SUDDENLY, YOU HAVE GAINED THE ABILITY TO FLOAT!!! WHOSE HOUSE ARE YOU GOING TO FLOAT TO FIRST, AND BE LIKE “DUDE LOOK AT ME I CAN FLOAT!”? Please try to ask literate questions in the future. I’d pick DFJ3, because he’d appreciate my newfound super-status the most.

23. THE CONSTANT ABSORPTION OF MAGICAL MOONBEAMS MIXED WITH THE RADIOACTIVE VEGETABLES YOU CONSUMED EARLIER HAS GIVEN YOU THE ABILITY TO RESURRECT THE DEAD FAMOUS-PERSON OF YOUR CHOICE. SO WHICH LATE CELEBRITY WILL YOU BRING BACK TO LIFE? Uncle Milt.

24. THE CELESTIAL GATES OF BEYOND HAVE OPENED, MUCH TO YOUR SURPRISE BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T THINK SUCH A THING EXISTED. DEATH APPEARS. AS IT TURNS OUT, DEATH IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY COOL ENTITY, AND HAPPENS TO BE IN A FANTASTIC MOOD. DEATH OFFERS TO RETURN THE FRIEND/FAMILY-MEMBER/PERSON/ETC. OF YOUR CHOICE TO THE LIVING WORLD. WHO WILL YOU BRING BACK? Gram. No offense to Grampa, but he didn’t know the recipes.

25. WHAT’S YOUR THEME SONG? I don’t have a theme song, but I’ll work on one.

Questionnaire 8.

I can’t sleep, so I write. Here’s another questionnaire.

This one comes from some French guy named Éric Poindron. Here’s what I think is his original post on the questionnaire, and here’s the post by Edward Gauvin that pointed me towards Poindron.

1. WRITE THE FIRST SENTENCE OF A NOVEL, SHORT STORY, OR BOOK OF THE WEIRD YET TO BE WRITTEN. “The real me probably died decades ago back on Earth.”

2. WITHOUT LOOKING AT YOUR WATCH: WHAT TIME IS IT? 12:45 AM.

3. LOOK AT YOUR WATCH. WHAT TIME IS IT? 12:26 AM.

4. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS– OR THESE– DISCREPANCY(IES) IN TIME? I guessed wrong.

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN METEOROLOGICAL PREDICTIONS? I believe that the predictions exist. I suppose that they’re generally somewhat kind of accurate.

6. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGICAL PREDICITIONS? Again, I believe that they exist. I’m a Sagittarius. Here’s mine for Thursday, December 22nd, according to horoscope.com:

There’s aggressiveness to your emotions today. This feeling will command your attention and demand that you be stable and reasonable regarding all tasks you undertake. Be honest and understanding. No one will understand obscure metaphors unless they have some practical use. Water your plants and clean up your yard. The closer you can be to the earth today, the better.

Total hogwash. I don’t own any plants.

7. DO YOU GAZE AT THE SKY AND STARS BY NIGHT? That I do.

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SKY AND STARS BY NIGHT? I think I’d like to conquervisit them one day. The first time I went camping, around my 10th birthday, we were so far from the city and the night was so clear that the sky was almost white with stars. I remember that night more vividly than the night I saw Halley’s Comet, which was earlier that year.

9. WHAT WERE YOU LOOKING AT BEFORE STARTING THIS QUESTIONNAIRE? An old episode of Spaced. It was the one with the mock gunfights.

10. WHAT DO CATHEDRALS, CHURCHES, MOSQUES, SHRINES, SYNAGOGUES, AND OTHER RELIGIOUS MONUMENTS INSPIRE IN YOU? First, frankly, boredom and sleepyheadedness. Second, if the building in question is really ornate, then I think that though we do want to revere the divine, we might better do so by spending our time, money, and effort on helping God’s children.

11. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE “SEEN” HAD YOU BEEN BLIND? Not sure how to answer this question… here goes: Let’s pretend that I was blinded shortly after my earliest visual memory, which would make that the only thing I’d seen. Oddly enough, it was getting poked in the eye by my big sister.

12. WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE IF YOU WERE BLIND? Aside from people’s faces, I think I’d want to see the Sun and the Moon.

13. ARE YOU AFRAID? On occasion.

14. WHAT OF? Losing a child.

15. WHAT IS THE LAST WEIRD FILM YOU’VE SEEN? Inland Empire. I like Lynch’s movies, but one gets the impression he just decided to film two or three hours of goofing off and slap some title cards on it.

16. WHOM ARE YOU AFRAID OF? No one.

17. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LOST? Yes. A poor sense of direction combined with a faulty GPS on a cloudy day will do that.

18. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? No.

19. WHAT IS A GHOST? A dead person’s spirit that has somehow become apparent to the living, usually by wearing a white sheet and moaning.

20. AT THIS VERY MOMENT, WHAT SOUND(S) CAN YOU HEAR, APART FROM THE COMPUTER? The air conditioner. The blades of the fan. Some old 80s music.

21. WHAT IS THE MOST TERRIFYING SOUND YOU’VE EVER EHARD– FOR EXAMPLE, “THE NIGHT WAS LIKE THE CRY OF A WOLF”? Genuine hysterical panic in someone’s voice. I don’t want to describe it.

22. HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING WEIRD TODAY OR IN THE LAST FEW DAYS? Yes.

23. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO CONFESSION? No.

24. YOU’RE AT CONFESSION, SO CONFESS THE UNSPEAKABLE. I was Kim Jong Il’s puppet-master.

25. WITHOUT CHEATING: WHAT IS A “CABINET OF CURIOSITIES”? I assume it is something analogous to a “junk drawer.”

26. DO YOU BELIEVE IN REDEMPTION? Yes. People do redeem themselves.

27. HAVE YOU DREAMED TONIGHT? Not yet, I haven’t gone to sleep. I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes, though.

28. DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR DREAMS? More often than most people do.

29. WHAT WAS YOUR LAST DREAM? Unprintable in this august journal.

30. WHAT DOES FOG MAKE YOU THINK OF? London Fog jackets, The Mist, the Fog Bowl, playing in thick fog, lakes on cool nights.

31. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ANIMALS THAT DON’T EXIST? If I stipulate that they don’t exist, how can I believe in them?

32. WHAT DO YOU SEE ON THE WALLS OF THE ROOM WHERE YOU ARE? A framed Sandburg poem about Chicago that I gave to my grandmother and then inherited. A ceramic sculpture that my little sister made. A framed wooden nativity scene from my other grandmother. A small painting of a nature scene. Shadows from the ceiling fan blades amid arc-like patterns from the ceiling lights. Maybe I do need more on these walls.

33. IF YOU BECAME A MAGICIAN, WHAT WOULD BE THE FIRST THING YOU’D DO? People seem to like card tricks, so… card tricks.

34. WHAT IS A MADMAN? Here’s my imprecise definition: a madman is one who either can’t tell right from wrong, or who can but elects not to.

35. ARE YOU MAD? No.

36. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE EXISTENCE OF SECRET SOCIETIES? Yes. Any of consequence? No.

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST WEIRD BOOK YOU READ? We by Yevgeny Zamyatin. Early dystopian fiction. Imagine the latest common ancestor of Brave New World, Anthem, 1984, THX-1138, and the Jetsons.

38. WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN A CASTLE? I probably wouldn’t enjoy living in a castle. There’d be too much unused space.

39. HAVE YOU SEEN SOMETHING WEIRD TODAY? The bone graft in my jaw.

40. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST FILM YOU’VE EVER SEEN? Primer was pretty weird because of the timelines, but I’m gonna go with Inland Empire again. I like weird movies, but this was so weird that I was incapable of enjoying it. Or maybe it was incapable of being enjoyed.

41. WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN AN ABANDONED TRAIN STATION? No.

42. CAN YOU SEE THE FUTURE? Let’s just say that I guess right a lot.

43. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED LIVING ABROAD? Yes.

44. WHERE? Italy, Mexico, Russia, Turkey.

45. WHY? Italy: to keep an eye on my brother and rip him off if he ever became a rich calciatore. Mexico/Russia/Turkey: there was a girl who loved all three places, and a boy who loved her. A very foolish boy.

46. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST FILM YOU’VE EVER OWNED? Probably Fire Walk With Me.

47. WOULD YOU LIKED TO HAVE LIVED IN A VICARAGE? Dunno. I don’t want a big, fancy house just for its own sake. Would I have had a big enough family or enough stuff to warrant having such a home?

48. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST BOOK YOU’VE EVER READ? Tough call. I might go with Blood Meridian.

49. WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER, GLOBES OR HOURGLASSES? That’s not a very subtle question.

50. WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER, ANTIQUE MAGNIFYING GLASSES OR BLADED WEAPONS? Bladed weapons.

51. WHAT, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD, LIES IN THE DEPTHS OF LOCH NESS? Nothing. Nessie’s an honest girl.

52. DO YOU LIKE TAXIDERMIED ANIMALS? I’ve never given it much thought. I’ll have to buy one and try it out for a while.

53. DO YOU LIKE WALKING IN THE RAIN? Generally, no. But sometimes the mood and the moment match, and it’s calming and almost empowering to walk through the rain while others are carrying umbrellas, or waiting under canopies, or running in awkward, hunched-over gaits.

54. WHAT DOES ON IN TUNNELS? Driving with no radio reception.

55. WHAT DO YOU LOOK AT WHEN YOU LOOK AWAY FROM THIS QUESTIONNAIRE? An empty rocking chair.

56. WHAT DOES THIS FAMOUS LINE INSPIRE IN YOU: “AND WHEN HE HAD CROSSED THE BRIDGE, THE PHANTOMS CAME TO MEET HIM.”? It makes me think the ghosts/phantoms are on his side, at his beck and call.

57. WITHOUT CHEATING: WHERE IS THAT FAMOUS LINE FROM? I’m going to guess Lord of the Rings. Let me check….

Nope.

58. DO YOU LIKE WALKING IN GRAVEYARDS OR THE WOODS BY NIGHT? No. It’s dark, and I don’t like bumping into stuff. I actually used to live next to a graveyard, and walked through it at night a few times while on the way to work or to a buddy’s apartment. No big deal.

58. WRITE THE LAST LINE OF A NOVEL, SHORT STORY, OR BOOK OF THE WEIRD YET TO BE WRITTEN. “I’m glad I got to see what became of mes.”

By the way, why are there two Question 58s?

59. WITHOUT LOOKING AT YOUR WARCH: WHAT TIME IS IT? 1:30 AM.

60. LOOK AT YOUR WATCH. WHAT TIME IS IT? 1:36 AM.

Questionnaire 7.

I resort to my favorite crutch once again:

1. WHAT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND’S MOM’S NAME? Mrs.

2. WHERE IS THE WEIRDEST PLACE YOU HAVE A MOLE? On the ring finger of my left hand.

3. WHO WAS THE HOTTEST TEACHER YOU EVER HAD? It was my senior year of college. She was a doctoral student and taught international micro. She was 26-ish, Turkish, dark eyes, curly hair, and she could econ. My God, could she econ. Her first name was Nil, her last name would dislocate your tongue (I will refrain from further tongue-related commentary). It could’ve worked, if I weren’t 19 and if I could have kept my jaw off the floor.

4. HAVE YOU EVER MADE OUT IN A MOVIE THEATER? Yes.

5. WHAT’S THE STRANGEST TALENT YOU HAVE? I can stay awake on any flight no matter how many sleeping pills I take.

6. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVORED PRINGLES? Barbeque.

7. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TIED UP? DO YOU WANT TO BE? I don’t think so. No.

8. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU EVER GOT GROUNDED FOR? Probably breaking the garage door windows, but it happened so often they may have run out of punishments.

9. DO YOU PARALLEL PARK OR DRIVE AROUND THE BLOCK? Depends.

10. HAVE YOU EVER HAD TWO DATES IN ONE NIGHT? If they’re at the same time, does it count as two dates or one?

11. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN CUSSED OUT? Probably thousands, but rarely to my face.

12. WHICH SHOE DO YOU PUT ON FIRST? I don’t know. If you hadn’t asked, I’d know the answer. If I go to put my shoes on now, I won’t know whether I’m acting naturally. Why did you ask this?

13. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A GAY BAR? No, but there was a bar in Clemson that was rumored to have a “Gay Night.” Apparently some straight folks had started the rumor so that on that night, the bar would be less crowded.

14. IS THERE ONE THING ALL OF YOUR LOVE INTERESTS HAVE HAD IN COMMON? There are several things they all had in common. Noses, arms, legs, female reproductive systems, hair, etc. More to your point: all were intelligent, and all had beautiful eyes.

15. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN COW-TIPPING OR SNIPE-HUNTING? No and no, but I’ve snipe-tipped.

16. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU USUALLY THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEP? That is classified.

17. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A POEM OR A SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU? Yes, and they weren’t even horrifying.

18. IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE TO NOT EVER WASH YOUR BED SHEETS AGAIN OR NOT WASH YOUR BATH TOWEL EVER AGAIN, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? I air-dry better than I air-sleep, so I would have to go with not washing the bath towels.

19. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD NICKNAME? Same as my grown-up nickname: “Mr. Viscariello, sir.”

20. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED THE AIR GUITAR? In Atlanta traffic last night.

21. WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU HAVE DONE WHILE DRIVING? Change my contact lenses.

22. HAVE YOU EVER BITTEN YOUR TOENAILS? No.

23. HOW DO YOU EAT YOUR COOKIE? What cookie? You didn’t say there were cookies. Where are they?

24. WHEN WORKING OUT AT THE GYM, DO YOU WEAR A BELT? No, but then I don’t work out at the gym.

25. NAME SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE ALONE THAT YOU WOULDN’T DO IN FRONT OF OTHERS. Blog.

26. HOW MANY DRINKS DOES IT TAKE BEFORE YOU GET DRUNK? I don’t get drunk. The alcohol knows better than to try.

27. HOW OFTEN DO YOU CLEAN OUT YOUR EARS? Thirteen times a day.

28. DO YOU HAVE ANY STRANGE PHOBIAS? Needles in the crook of the elbow.

29. WHAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE AT A BAR? Try to have a rational discussion with a drunken, screaming, crying bartendress who was cussing me out.

30. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DARED TO DO SOMETHING YOU TOTALLY REGRETTED? Like, totally? Like, no.

31. HAVE YOU EVER CALLED YOUR LOVE INTEREST BY AN EX’S NAME? Never, but that is one of my great fears (though not a phobia). I get people’s names backwards quite often. I try to make light of it but it’s embarrassing.

32. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DRUNK AT WORK? Never, unless you mean drunk on the nectar of teaching and the ambrosia of paperwork.

33. HAVE YOU EVER FOUND YOUR DATE’S/LOVER’S SISTER MORE ATTRACTIVE? Nope. I always get the pick of the litter.

34. IS THERE ANYBODY YOU WISH WOULD FALL OFF THE PLANET? Me, because if taken literally doesn’t that mean I could fly?

35. DO YOU WEAR YOUR SEATBELT IN THE CAR? Yes, and I fully endorse seatbelt laws.

36. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE? Yes.

37. NAME ONE THING YOU WORRY ABOUT RUNNING OUT OF. Crisp, cool air.

38. WHAT FAMOUS PERSON DO YOU (OR OTHER PEOPLE) THINK YOU RESEMBLE? I don’t think I resemble any celebrity closely enough to say. However, I have been told that I resemble Anthony Michael Hall (by my sister and her ex-husband, both of whom were drunk), Mel Gibson (hopefully just based on the dark, thinning hairline and not on the anti-Semitism or the Holocaust denial), the guy from Phantom of the Opera (by former students who didn’t realize I wasn’t wearing a mask), and Boris Becker (by an idiot who now runs a major law firm).

39. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Pepperoni, black olives, bell peppers.

40. DO YOU CRACK YOUR KNUCKLES? Yes.

41. WHAT SONG DO YOU HATE THE MOST? “I Want You To Want Me” by Cheap Trick. Awful, awful song.

42. DID JUST MENTIONING THAT SONG MAKE IT GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD? No.

43. WHAT ARE YOUR SUPER POWERS? I cannot get songs stuck in my head.

44. PEPPERMINT OR SPEARMINT? Peppermint.

45. WHERE ARE YOUR CAR KEYS? Over there.

46. WHAT’S YOUR MOST ANNOYING HABIT? I don’t get annoyed by my own habits, so you’ll have to decide for yourself.

47. WHERE DID YOU LAST GO ON VACATION? Augusta and Atlanta to visit old friends. Just got back.

48. WHAT IS YOUR BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE? My earlobes.

49. WHAT THREE THINGS CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? Raisins, brown sugar, batteries.

50. WHAT SUPERSTITION DO YOU BELIEVE/PRACTICE? As few as possible.

51. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR BED SHEETS? Blue.

52. WOULD YOU RATHER BE A FISH OR A BIRD? Bird.

53. DO YOU TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE WHEN YOU DRIVE? Yes.

54. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SAYINGS? Too many to count, so I’ll just go with “Such is life.”

55. IF YOU COULD GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? I’d go back to 1929 with a Herbert Hoover mask and send the real Hoover off to Siberia.

56. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HARRISON FORD MOVIE? Blade Runner.

57. WHAT CD IS IN YOUR STEREO? A mix CD that my friend “Loopy” gave out at his last soirée.

58. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU PLAN ON HAVING? Twelve, one for each month of the year.

59. IF YOU COULD KISS ANYONE WHO WOULD IT BE? Lynda Carter circa 1977.

60. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING? Blog. Didn’t we cover this already?

61. IF THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WHAT ACTOR/ACTRESS WOULD BE YOU? Tough call. I’d probably have to go with a CGI version of me, with Andy Serkis doing the motion capture.

62. WOULD YOU RATHER DIE IN A BLAZE OF GLORY OR PEACEFULLY IN YOUR SLEEP? The latter, though I’m not sure one precludes the other.

Questionnaire 6.

Here’s a two-fer. The first batch was culled from a few surveys floating around the internets:

1. PB AND J. HATE IT OR LOVE IT? Love it, as long as the PB is not C and the J is G.

2. WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A PET MONKEY OR A PET TIGER? A pet tiger, but it’d be an outdoor tiger.

3. FAVOURITE MOVIE QUOTE? “Here it comes.”

4. WHAT IS YOUR STYLE (THE WAY YOU DRESS, ETC.)? Plain.

5. IF YOU HAD A MILLION DOLLARS, WHAT WOULD BE THE FIRST THING YOU BOUGHT? A financial planner.

6. FAVOURITE SONG OF ALL TIME? Tough call. I’ll say “Things” by Havalina Rail Company.

7. IF YOU WERE IN A BAND, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED? Back during the 2008 election, I commented on one of my own posts that “Kenyan Birth Certificate” would be a great name for a band. But I think I’d go with something laundry-inspired, like “Spin Cycle,” “High Speed Heat,” or “Linttrap.” Maybe “Thermal Breakdown,” though it doesn’t have anything to do with laundry.

8. FAVOURITE GAME (COMPUTER)? Ever? Starflight. It came out in the ’80s and was pretty advanced for its time. You’re flying around space in an unarmed commercial ship, you have to mine planets and sell them for cash to upgrade your ship, you need to train your guys to learn the language of the local aliens, and then nearby stars start exploding. You have to figure out why and what to do about it, with minimal guidance. Well, you didn’t have to, if you didn’t mind your home getting incinerated.

9. WHAT SCARES YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING? The thought of losing a son or daughter.

10. MOST HORRIBLE SCENE IN A FILM? Have you seen Godfather III? Any scene with Sofia Coppola (except the last one), and most scenes with Al Pacino.

11. EVER HAVE A BAD ACCIDENT? Yes. In 1999, I was nearly impaled on the axle of an A-frame. When I was very young, I had boiling soup spilled on my shoulder, which grafted my shirt to my skin. When I was younger than that, I burned both hands pretty badly on a wood stove. Aside from that, everything’s been perfect.

12. IF YOU COULD LIVE IN ANY COUNTRY, WHICH WOULD IT BE? I assume you mean aside from my current country. Italy, because they all speak English and sign language.

13. EVER HAD TO BREAK BAD NEWS TO ANYONE? Yes. Telling a buddy that another buddy was killed in a car wreck.

14. ARE WE ALONE? Doesn’t your use of “we” imply that there are at least two of us?

15. ARE WE ALL CONNECTED ON A SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL? I hope not.

16. IS THERE A MATHEMATICAL CALCULATION BEHIND EVERY ACTION OR THOUGHT? On some level, I suppose so. At the very least, I think you could come up with a calculation, game or model to explain every action or thought.

17. ARE WE EVOLVING OR JUST GETTING SMARTER? That is a false dichotomy.

18. WILL THE EMPIRE FOLLOW THE COURSE OF HISTORY AND DESTROY ITSELF FROM WITHIN? From your spelling of “favourite” above, I’ll assume you mean the British Empire. Answer: yes.

19. HAS IT ALREADY? I would say it’s tough to call it an empire these days, so yes.

20. WHEN A PERSON IS BEING KEPT ALIVE BY A MACHINE, DOES THAT PERSON HAVE A SOUL? If a person is a soul, then the more relevant question is whether the soul still occupies the body. I’m not telling.

21. UNIVERSE OR MULTIVERSE? A multiverse would be infinitely more awesome than a universe. Therefore, I think we’re in a universe.

22. WHAT HAPPENS TO MATTER ONCE IT HAS ENTERED A SINGULARITY (BLACK HOLE)? I’m not telling.

23. DESTINY, FATE, OR CHANCE? DO YOU HAVE CONTROL? None of the first three options imply that I have control.

24. ARE THERE ANY GENUINE HUMANITARIANS? Yes.

25. DOES EVERYONE HAVE A HIDDEN AGENDA? No.

26. SHOULD PEOPLE SUFFER IN ORDER TO EARN AND APPRECIATE PLEASURE? Not necessarily. Suffering may sweeten eventual success, but it isn’t a necessary condition.

27. DOES SOCIETY WORK? Yes. Well? Maybe.

28. JUST HOW OLD IS HUMANITY? I can only account for the last thirty-some years.

29. IS THIS THE END, OR JUST THE BEGINNING? I’m going to go find some better questions to answer. The inquisitor seems to have an inflated sense of his own depth.

30. A FRIEND HAS JUST TOLD YOU THEY ARE DYING AND WOULD LIKE YOU TO RAISE HIS/HER CHILDREN. WOULD YOU? Which friend?

31. A TORNADO IS COMING STRAIGHT FOR YOU. YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS FALLEN AND CAN’T GET UP. YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS FALLEN AND CAN’T GET UP. WHAT DO YOU DO? Yell and wave my arms to distract the tornado, then run off to lead it away from my neighbor.

32. THE ELDERLY LADY IN FRONT OF YOU DROPS A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL. DO YOU TELL HER? Yes.

33. YOUR FIANCE IS ALLERGIC TO YOUR DOG OF TEN YEARS. WHAT DO YOU DO? Find a new home for her.

34. SOMEONE YOU KNOW DESPERATELY NEEDS THE HUNDRED DOLLARS YOU’VE SAVED. DO YOU SHARE IT? Of course I’ll share it: fifty for me, fifty for them.

35. TWO COWORKERS ARE FIGHTING AND IT’S CLEARLY A MISUNDERSTANDING YOU CAN CORRECT. DO YOU GET INVOLVED? That depends on how entertaining the misunderstanding is.

36. YOU’VE BEEN OFFERED YOUR DREAM ON A SILVER PLATTER WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED BUT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ALL YOU KNOW TO GET IT. DO YOU? You have a fascinating definition of “no strings attached.” What if my dream includes something from my current life?

37. WOULD YOU GO BACK IN TIME TO CORRECT A MISTAKE? Yes, but not too far because when I came back my world might be unrecognizable. Plus, if I’m going to avoid a grandfather paradox, I may have to use one of them fancy multiverses I mentioned earlier. I might go back just far enough not to screw up the playlists on my phone.

38. IF YOU HAD TO GIVE UP ONE OF YOUR FIVE SENSES, WHICH WOULD IT BE? Probably taste because it’s the one used least often. I could make do with enjoying the scent of my food or drink, and I’d probably eat healthier since taste wouldn’t matter anymore. I was going to put “smell,” but then how would I tell if there were danger, or a rat, or if I’d accidentally mixed bleach and ammonia?

39. IS YOUR TEMPER FAST AND FURIOUS OR CALM AND CONTENT? Calm and furious.

40. WHAT’S THE ONE THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOUR DIE? Visit Mars.

41. TELEVISION OR RADIO? Television. I can hear the TV but I can’t watch the radio.

42. WHICH TV CHARACTER WOULD YOU BE IF YOU COULD? K.I.T.T.

43. WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE UP SUGAR OR CAFFEINE? Caffeine. Sugar is an essential part of far too much of my life for me to forgo it.

44. WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE: A YEAR IN EUROPE WITH $25,000 TO SPEND OR ONE HOUR ON THE MOON? The hour on the moon.

Swiss playwright Max Frisch wrote the following questionnaire many years ago. This one seems to lack any agenda, and has some deceptively simple questions. Here goes:

ARE YOU REALLY INTERESTED IN THE PRESERVATION OF THE HUMAN RACE ONCE YOU AND ALL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE NO LONGER ALIVE? Yes.

STATE BRIEFLY WHY. Two reasons. First, who else is going to figure out how to reanimate my frozen corpse? Second, I would probably die happier knowing that humanity was not the verge of extinction.

HOW MANY OF YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT OWE THEIR EXISTENCE TO DELIBERATE INTENTION? I have no children.

WHOM WOULD YOU RATHER NEVER HAVE MET? Tough one… see my response to the time travel question above. I had a coupla students who I think were truly horrible, malicious people, but I’m going to pick my last roommate in Clemson, “Keanu.” Here’s why.

ARE YOU CONSCIOUS OF BEING IN THE WRONG IN RELATION TO SOME OTHER PERSON (WHO NEED NOT NECESSARILY BE AWARE OF IT)? IF SO, DOES THIS MAKE YOU HATE YOURSELF OR THE OTHER PERSON? Yes, but it doesn’t make me hate myself. It makes me disappointed with myself.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE PERFECT MEMORY? Yes. I realize that means recalling a lot of pain (and I don’t mean that wussy emotional pain crap, I mean burns and breaks and stabbings and near-impalements), but the benefits outweigh the drawbacks by far.

GIVE THE NAME OF A POLITICIAN WHOSE DEATH THROUGH ILLNESS, ACCIDENT, ETC., WOULD FILL YOU WITH HOPE. OR DO YOU CONSIDER NONE OF THEM INDISPENSIBLE? Many if not most of them are dispensable, though dispensing of them doesn’t necessitate their deaths. I can only pick one? It’s tempting to pick Chavez, Ahmadinejad, or Castro, but for sheer entertainment value I think I’ll go with Putin. I’d pay to see Viktor Yushchenko plunge his fist into Putin’s chest, rip his heart out, toss it at Medvedev’s feet and walk off into the sunset.

WHICH PERSON OR PERSONS, NOW DEAD, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE AGAIN? Obviously I’d like to see my deceased friends and family. My grandfather would be first on the list. Actually, my grand-uncle George would be first on the list so he could tell me where he buried the family gold, and then I’d like to see Grampa.

WHICH NOT? Assuming I’m choosing from people I actually knew, then I’d have to say my aunt’s late ex-husband. I have no reason to bring him back.

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE BELONGED TO A DIFFERENT NATION (OR CIVILIZATION)? IF SO, WHICH? No. We’ve got it as good here and now as anyone’s ever had it.

TO WHAT AGE DO YOU WISH TO LIVE? I’d like to live to be 128, unless affordable commercial travel to other planets isn’t a reality by that point, in which case I’d like to live longer.

IF YOU HAD THE POWER TO PUT INTO EFFECT THINGS YOU CONSIDER RIGHT, WOULD YOU DO SO AGAINST THE WISHES OF THE MAJORITY? [IF NOT] WHY NOT, IF YOU THINK THEY ARE RIGHT? Yes, but then I’d run. Or grow a moustache to disguise myself.

WHICH DO YOU FIND IT EASIER TO HATE, A GROUP OR AN INDIVIDUAL? AND DO YOU PREFER TO HATE INDIVIDUALLY OR AS PART OF A GROUP? I think it’s easier to hate individuals. I do my hating individually because I’m not a big joiner.

WHEN DID YOU STOP BELIEVING YOU COULD BECOME WISER—OR DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IT? GIVE YOUR AGE. I still believe I can become wiser, because I am increasingly aware of how little I know. I am this many years old.

ARE YOU CONVINCED BY YOUR OWN SELF-CRITICISM? Yes, if only because I know what I’m talking about.

WHAT IN YOUR OPINION DO OTHERS DISLIKE ABOUT YOU, AND WHAT DO YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? IF NOT THE SAME THING, WHICH DO YOU FIND IT EASIER TO EXCUSE? I suspect that others dislike that I am, on occasion, be a wee bit blunt and sardonic. I dislike my inability to fall asleep at will. I find the latter easier to excuse; the former is everyone else’s problem.

DO YOU FIND THE THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN (IF IT EVER OCCURS TO YOU) DISTURBING? Yes. I shudder for the world.

WHEN YOU THINK OF SOMEONE DEAD, WOULD YOU LIKE HIM TO SPEAK TO YOU, OR WOULD YOU RATHER SAY SOMETHING MORE TO HIM? I’d prefer to let Grampa speak.

DO YOU LOVE ANYBODY? HOW DO YOU KNOW? It is difficult to explain because I’m such a touchy-feely guy and my eyes well up with oh you probably wanted a serious answer. I think if your happiness depends on her happiness, health and safety, then you love her.

LET US ASSUME THAT YOU HAVE NEVER KILLED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR IT? Good driving and poor marksmanship.

WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY? …better marksmanship?

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR? Being me and getting past Tuesday.

WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER DO: DIE OR LIVE ON AS A HEALTHY ANIMAL? WHICH ANIMAL? Assuming this choice were offered at the end of my life, I would choose to live on as a healthy apatosaur. That way, everyone would be happy to see me, but not afraid that I was going to eat them.

Questionnaire 5.

Here’s to the end of my worst summer ever, even though it really wasn’t that bad. I’ve spent large chunks of the last few days getting ready for the new school year, and almost forgot to prepare a post for this week. Therefore I shall once again lean on my favorite crutch, the questionnaire. Here goes:

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? Either. Doesn’t matter.

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM THE HOTEL? When I realize I’ve forgotten to pack shampoo.

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? How would I know? I’m asleep when it happens.

4. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN A STREET SIGN? No.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? Yes, but you sound like you’re asking if it’s a hobby of mine. It isn’t.

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? No.

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? I’ve been attacked by bees before, so I’ll fight the bear for variety’s sake.

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? No.

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? No.

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? Right now it’s the sound of the siding being replaced on my building.

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? When I’m bored, I suppose I do.

12. FIRST THING YOU WASH IN THE SHOWER? Eyeballs.

13. DO YOU PLAN OUTFITS? How far ahead of time are we talking? If we’re talking seconds, yes. Minutes, no.

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERE’S NO MUSIC PLAYING? In my head.

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? No.

16. WHAT’S THE CLOSEST THING TO YOU THAT’S RED? The writing on a box of electronics.

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? I don’t know. I think it’s a full.

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? What is a song of the week?

19. IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? I suppose so. I had to play an entire soccer season wearing pink. It wasn’t that demeaning.

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? On occasion.

21. WHAT’S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? Right now, it’s The Other Guys. Started off promising, until it turned into Generic Will Ferrell Movie. The last thirty minutes, I don’t think I heard a single person in the theater laugh. I heard a lot of frustrated sighs as people realized they’d overpaid.

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? Nice try.

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? All kinds of things. Water. Tea. Wine. Rum and coke. It depends.

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? Sweet and sour–oops, excuse me, I meant Polynesian sauce. When did Chick-fil-A go and get all high-falutin’?

25. HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN MONEY TO A BUM? Yes.

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AND STILL LOVE? Good ones?

27. HOW LONG WAS YOUR LONGEST DRIVE IN A CAR? I drove to Las Cruces, New Mexico in 2003. Great trip.

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? I was a Cub Scout. I was going to be a Boy Scout but soccer prevailed.

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? They’d have to throw ungodly amounts of money at me.

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE SOMEONE A LETTER ON PAPER? Two months ago.

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? I suppose I could if I read the instructions.

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? Just one. I’ve been pulled over four times: one ticket, one warning, once because the officer didn’t see the license plate, one warning for a bad tag light.

33. EVER RUN OUT OF GAS? Yes.

34. WOULD YOU DO CRYSTAL METH IF IT WERE LEGALIZED? Um, no.

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? I rarely eat breakfast, but corn flakes, sliced banana, milk.

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? Midnight.

37. ARE YOU LAZY? y

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? I can only specifically remember three costumes: Civil War soldier, knight in shining armor, and nun.

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? Hold on, let me look it up… I was born in a Year of the Dragon. Awesome.

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? Fluently? One.

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? No.

42. WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? Legos.

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? About some things, yes.

44. WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN? Neither. They are both tragically unfunny.

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? No, but I know who Stefano is.

46. AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? It depends on how stable the situation is. Top of the Sears Tower, not afraid. Airplane, wasn’t afraid of the heights. Take a ladder to the top of the house, not afraid. Climb a ladder on top of a machine to make sure everything’s working right with a couple of slack-jawed, probably stoned morons not watching out at all for my safety? Sweating bullets.

47. SING IN THE CAR? Yep.

48. DANCE IN THE SHOWER? Only when appropriate.

49. DANCE IN THE CAR? Never when driving.

50. EVER USED A GUN? Yes.

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? Formally? No idea.

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? The cheesy ones are.

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? Only if you let it be.

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? Yep.

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? Cherry.

56. WHAT COMES TO MIND WHEN I SAY CABBAGE? Your head on a pike. Cabbage is disgusting.

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? No.

58. EVER EXPERIENCE DÉJÀ VU? Yes.

59. TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? No, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt.

60. WEAR SLIPPERS? No.

61. WEAR A BATH ROBE? Rarely.

62. WOULD YOU GO SKY DIVING? If I had to be on the plane in the first place and the plane were going to crash and I didn’t know how to fix the plane and there weren’t a helicopter or space shuttle piggybacking the plane that I could pilot away to safety, then yeah… I could see myself skydiving.

63. FIRST CONCERT? I choose not to remember.

64. WAL-MART, TARGET OR KMART? Target.

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? Usually adidas, but I’m using Nike cleats right now. Usually they don’t fit right, but this pair does.

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? Neitheros.

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? Peanuts. Schulz was so much deeper than anyone gave him credit for.

68. DO YOU RENT MOVIES OFTEN? I use Netflix, so I think it would be more appropriate to say I rent them “continuously” rather than “often.”

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? Does square-dancing in 8th grade gym count?

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? Whatever makes her happy and me rich.

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? Can I.

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? I think I finished second in a few. I won county-wide math competitions, though.

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? Yes.

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? No.

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? No.

76. REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? No.

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes.

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? The original Blues Brothers.

79. DO YOU OWN A GUN? Break into my house in the middle of the night so you can find out the hard way.

80. HOT TEA OR ICED TEA? Depends on the season. Right now, iced tea.

81. TEA OR COFFEE? Tea.

82. SUGAR OR SNICKERDOODLES? What the hell is a snickerdoodle?

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? Well enough to save my own rear end.

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? Yes.

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? When I need to be, and about the things I need to be.

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? Tough call. I’d prefer a band, but would defer to my better half’s judgement.

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? Yes.

88. ARE YOU TOO FORGIVING? Forgiving people has not yet come back to haunt me.

89. WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? Black olives.

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? These questions are getting kind of personal. Back off.

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? Um… the den? Doesn’t the presence of a fireplace in a room usually make that room the den? I know they can go in other rooms, but the den seems the default.

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? Yep.

93. LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When they changed George Washington’s portrait on the obverse of the quarter.

94. WHO WAS YOUR HS CRUSH? I had a few. All of their last names started with “R.” Weird.

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? No.

96. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Every inch of my skin is covered with rainbow and unicorn tattoos only visible under ultraviolet light.

97. ARE YOU SARCASTIC? You should’ve asked this question before the last one.

98. IS YOUR HAIR CURLY? When it gets long enough, but it’ll never get that long again.

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? Of course.

100. IF YOU WERE PAID ONE MILLION DOLLARS TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN A SUPPOSED HAUNTED HOUSE, WOULD YOU DO IT? Yes.

Questionnaire 4.

My responses to selected questions from an online questionnaire:

1. GRAB THE BOOK NEAREST TO YOU, TURN TO PAGE 18, AND FIND LINE 4. “One more reason I like the Universe-as-mathematical-object”

2. STRETCH YOUR LEFT ARM OUT AS FAR AS YOU CAN. WHAT CAN YOU TOUCH? Eleven books. Two remote controls. My phone. A pencil. An empty glass. My chair. A small table. This computer.

3. BEFORE YOU STARTED THIS SURVEY, WHAT WERE YOU DOING? Eating.

4. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU WATCHED ON TV? The Cleveland-Chicago game.

5. WITHOUT LOOKING, GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS. Nine PM.

6. NOW LOOK AT THE CLOCK. WHAT IS THE ACTUAL TIME? 8:56 PM.

7. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE COMPUTER, WHAT CAN YOU HEAR? The television. The air conditioner.

8. WHEN DID YOU LAST STEP OUTSIDE? WHAT WERE YOU DOING? A few hours ago. I went to the store and bought milk and cooking wine.

9. DID YOU DREAM LAST NIGHT? Yes, but I don’t remember about what.

10. DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR DREAMS? Yes.

11. WHEN DID YOU LAST LAUGH? Earlier today.

12. DO YOU REMEMBER WHY OR AT WHAT? That I do.

13. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS OF THE ROOM YOU ARE IN? Paint.

14. SEEN ANYTHING WEIRD LATELY? What’s weird?

15. WHAT IS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW? Serenity. Great movie.

16. IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD YOU LIVE? Camp David.

17. IF YOU BECAME A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE OVERNIGHT, WHAT WOULD YOU BUY? All kinds of fun stuff. First thing I’d do is buy a financial advisor.

18. WHAT IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT MOST PEOPLE DON’T KNOW? My name. I’m pretty certain most people on this planet have not yet heard of me.

19. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT THE WORLD, REGARDLESS OF GUILT OR POLITICS, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? The Sun would rise in the west.

20. DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE? No.

21. WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER LIVING ABROAD? Yes.

22. DOES YOUR NAME MAKE ANY INTERESTING ANAGRAMS? As a matter of fact, yes. “Vincent Dominic Viscariello” becomes “Vivid, critical insomnolence.”

23. WHO MADE THE LAST INCOMING CALL ON YOUR PHONE? Mom.

24. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU DOWNLOADED ONTO YOUR COMPUTER? A review guide for American history.

25. WHEN WAS LAST TIME YOU SWAM IN A POOL? No idea.

26. TYPE OF MUSIC YOU LIKE MOST? Soundtracks, because I think of the movie as I hear the music.

27. TYPE OF MUSIC YOU DISLIKE MOST? Country and western.

28. ARE YOU LISTENING TO MUSIC RIGHT NOW? No.

29. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM CARPET? Tan.

30. IF YOU COULD CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HOME, WITHOUT WORRY ABOUT EXPENSE OR MESS, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? I would fix the bathtub faucet because when I switch it to shower mode, water still comes out of the faucet.

31. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Milk and cooking wine.

32. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN ON A MOTORBIKE? No.

33. WOULD YOU GO BUNGEE JUMPING OR SKY DIVING? No.

34. DO YOU HAVE A GARDEN? No.

35. DO YOU REALLY KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO YOUR NATIONAL ANTHEM? I know all the words to the first stanza of my national anthem, but I also know there are three other stanzas that I don’t know that well.

36. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? That I should have gone to bed earlier the night before.

37. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE? President Obama.

38. WHO SENT THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED? “Okay.”

39. AT WHICH STORE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD? I can’t think of any store at which I would want to spend that much money.

40. WHAT TIME IS BEDTIME? Midnight.

41. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A BEAUTY PAGEANT? No.

42. HOW MANY TATTOOS DO YOU HAVE? None.

43. IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF GETTING ONE? Yes. Specifically I’ve thought about how silly it would be of me to get one.

44. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Went to work, ate pizza, ate cake.

45. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD? No.

46. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE DINNER WITH? My family on Easter Sunday.

47. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? The aforementioned glass on the table is half-empty, and the other half is empty, too.

48. WHAT’S THE FARTHEST-AWAY PLACE YOU’VE BEEN TO? Phoenix, Arizona.

49. WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU ATE A HOMEGROWN TOMATO? No ideer.

50. HAVE YOU EVER WON A TROPHY? Yes.

51. ARE YOU A GOOD COOK? Good enough. In fact, I absolutely nailed the sweet-and-sour chicken tonight. I need to start working on a new dish.

52. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PUMP YOUR OWN GAS? Um… yes.

53. IF YOU COULD MEET ANY ONE PERSON (FROM HISTORY OR CURRENTLY ALIVE), WHO WOULD IT BE? Woodrow Wilson. Suffice it to say, it wouldn’t end well.

54. HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO WEAR A UNIFORM TO SCHOOL? Not that I can remember.

55. DO YOU TOUCH-TYPE? On occasion.

56. WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED? Nothing.

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? Yes.

58. THINK FAST, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW? Red velvet cake with white frosting. I think it’s because a coworker of mine announced she was making something with red velvet cake today.

59. WHERE WERE YOU ON VALENTINE’S DAY? Jacksonville.

60. WHAT TIME DO YOU GET UP? 6:29 AM on weekdays.

61. WHAT WAS THE NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET? I can’t say they were strictly “mine,” but the pets my family owned when I was born were: Devil, a Siberian husky, and five seal-point Siamese cats named Waglio, Phoebe, Roscoe, Belinda, and Baby.

62. WHO WAS THE SECOND-TO-LAST PERSON TO CALL YOU? My buddy Chip.

63. IS THERE ANYTHING GOING ON THIS WEEKEND? Rain. Thunder. Tornado warnings.

64. HOW ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW? Pretty darn good.

65. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE MOST? Food and sleep.

66. IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE? Until it was too late.

67. WHO WOULD YOU TELL FIRST? My dad, I suppose.

68. WHAT IS THE LAST MOVIE THAT YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Up in the Air, which featured one of the truly great villainous performances of all time. Rent it.

69. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? Yup.

70. WHAT DO YOU DO MOST WHEN YOU ARE BORED? Meditate.

71. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? I teach high schoolers.

72. DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB? Why? What did my job say? I mean, it’s no big deal what my job said, I just want to know, that’s all. No reason.

73. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO OR BE? I think I’ve answered this one before… Ah yes, I have. Astronaut-ninja-ship’s captain-samurai-president-professional athlete-spy-bookstore owner.

74. WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG? Eggs existed long before chickens did. There were dinosaur eggs, fish eggs, chocolate eggs… Did you mean, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg in which a chicken would gestate?”

75. HOW MANY KEYS ARE ON YOUR KEY RING? On my home key ring I have five keys. On my work key ring I have four keys.

76. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO? A mansion.

77. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? 2003 Toyota Corolla.

78. WHAT ARE YOUR BEST PHYSICAL FEATURES? My molars.

79. WHAT ARE YOUR BEST CHARACTERISTICS? My strength, constitution, dexterity, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma.

80. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Milan, to watch Milan play Inter in a derby match.

81. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS DO YOU LIKE TO READ? Good ones written in English.

82. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY? Early evening.

83. WHERE DID YOU GROW UP? Jacksonville, Florida.

84. HOW FAR AWAY FROM YOUR BIRTHPLACE DO YOU LIVE NOW? According to Google Maps, I live 1,186 miles away from my birthplace. That’s a driving distance. Walking would add a mile.

85. WHAT ARE YOU READING NOW? The Big Questions, by Steven Landsburg, The Good Old Days– They Were Terrible! by Otto L. Bettman, and We Are Doomed by John Derbyshire.

86. ARE YOU AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? Night owl.

87. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? Not while either is attached.

88. CAN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND RAISE YOUR EYEBROWS? Yes.

89. DO YOU HAVE PETS? No.

90. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? My normal ringtone is continuous, so one.

91. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE DIFFERENT JOBS THAT YOU HAVE HAD IN YOUR LIFE? Soccer linesman and referee. Clerk at soccer store. Bagger at grocery store. Telephone surveyor. Dye/chemical blender and tester at textile mill. Coach. Teacher.

92. ANY NEW AND EXCITING THINGS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE? Nope.

93. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Making sure your cells get enough oxygen, glucose, and a few other things.

94. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? Thoughts of puppies and rainbows.

Questionnaire 3.

My responses to selected questions from several online questionnaires:
  1. NAME, PLEASE. Okay, since you were polite. Vincent Dominic Viscariello.
  2. APPROXIMATE AGE? I am circa 32.
  3. WHAT AGE WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE? I would like the Age of Aquarius to die. You probably should have edited these questions.
  4. WOULD YOU LET YOUR KIDS SMOKE WEED? Only medicinally (i.e., if it were the most effective way to help them digest life-saving medications).
  5. DO YOU LAUGH A LOT, BUT DON’T REALLY MEAN IT? No, but often I don’t laugh when I think something is hilarious.
  6. DO YOU LIKE TO THINK YOU ARE POPULAR? Since I’m not mass-produced for a large market, probably not.
  7. DESCRIBE YOUR MOST TERRIFYING DREAM. No.
  8. WHAT BAND WOULD YOU DIE TO SEE LIVE? None of them. None whatsoever.
  9. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE? At an advanced age, in a warm bed, surrounded by a loving family saying they’ll stop at nothing to develop the technology to bring me back to life.
  10. WHAT’S YOUR OPINION ON SELF-MUTILATION? I oppose it.
  11. DO YOU BELIEVE IN CAPITALISM? COMMUNISM? LIBERTARIANISM? Yes, I believe in them. They exist. They aren’t imaginary.
  12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE AN ANARCHIST OR A SOCIALITE? I suspect that whoever wrote this questionnaire meant “socialist,” but since that’s not what he/she actually wrote, I’ll go with socialite.
  13. FREEDOM OF SPEECH OR CONTROLLED SOCIETY? Freedom of speech often leads to exactly as much control as society needs.
  14. OBAMA OR BUSH? Obama’s got good height and range, but Bush has the better arm and more stamina.
  15. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Shortly after birth, when the doc spanked me. Just having left the womb, I had no idea what was going on, so I strangled the bastard with the cord.
  16. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I want a beautiful woman with rich parents who have weak hearts.
  17. WHY IS YOUR BEST FRIEND YOUR BEST FRIEND? Now that you mention it, I’ve never really thought that hard about it.
  18. ARE YOU MOODY? That question makes me angry.
  19. ARE YOU IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY? Nope.
  20. IF NOT, WHY NOT? Bears got slaughtered, 45-10.
  21. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE SWINE FLU? No.
  22. WHAT WOULD YOU LABEL YOURSELF? Medium.
  23. HOW MANY SIBLINGS DO YOU HAVE? Technically four, since one of them is a clone of the original, who was lost at sea. I don’t think the clone has caught on, so we don’t say anything.
  24. ARE YOU ANTI-RASICT? What is a “rasict”?
  25. EXPLAIN YOUR PERSONALITY IN THREE WORDS. I will not.
  26. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOUR NAME WAS? Orinthius Octavian Winterbourne.
  27. HOW OLD DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED? No older than 91.
  28. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO NAME YOUR KIDS? Rutherford Horatio Winterbourne, Millicent Gwyndolynth Winterbourne, and Carla Gugino, Jr.
  29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH? This morning.
  30. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Shirt, underwear, jeans, socks, shoes, watch, contact lenses.
  31. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? A smile.
  32. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR? Blue.
  33. WHAT’S YOUR VIEW ON NIHILISM? It doesn’t matter.
  34. PACIFISM? To channel Malcolm X, pacifism is fine as long as it works.
  35. DO YOU THINK THE DRUG CULTURE IS MISUNDERSTOOD? I think the drug culture has misunderstood.
  36. ARE YOU A FAN OF HUNTER S. THOMPSON? No. I’m not impressed with his work whatsoever.
  37. ARE YOU A SMOKER? No.
  38. DO YOU SMOKE CIGARS/CIGARETTES? Um, no.
  39. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS? Ho, boy, do I.
  40. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE NEXT HALLOWEEN? Invisible.
  41. WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN? This year I’m in 29th grade.
  42. WHEN DO YOU GRADUATE? In negative sixteen-and-a-half years.
  43. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR TOENAILS? Toenail-colored.
  44. HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE? No.
  45. NICE EYES? Yes.
  46. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE QUOTE? “If.”
  47. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Yes. I’m listening to an episode of “Twin Peaks” in the background. It’s from the second and crappier part of Season Two.
  48. DO YOU LIKE SILVER HAIR? On old people, sure. Better’n blue hair.
  49. COULD YOU TAKE ON KIMBO SLICE? Yes. And win? …Yes.
  50. ARE YOU IN GOOD PHYSICAL CONDITION? In the sense that my cells don’t go randomly flying all over the place, yes.
  51. DO YOU GET CREEPED OUT BY PUPPETS? By what? Are you on crack?
  52. IF YOU COULD BE ANY CELEBRITY FOR ONE DAY, WHO WOULD YOU BE? Bill Gates, so I could write an exceptionally large check to Vincent D. Viscariello.
  53. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHOBIAS? Dying in an airplane crash.
  54. EVER BEEN MAULED BY A WILD ANIMAL? No.
  55. HAVE YOU EVER LICKED THE BACK OF A CD TO TRY TO GET IT TO WORK? I have not.
  56. WHAT’S THE LARGEST AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOURSELF AND SOMEONE YOU’VE DATED? 54 years. Oh, how I miss you, Bea.
  57. EVER BEEN IN A CAR WRECK? Yes.
  58. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A BLIND DATE? Not intentionally.
  59. DOES THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE A PERSON’S SLEPT WITH AFFECT YOUR VIEW OF THEM? Certainly. You get up into triple digits, you’ve got problems.
  60. HAVE YOU EVER MADE A MISTAKE? Leaving my arch-nemesis alive. There was no way he would defeat the ninjas and outrun the lava. Boy, was my face red.
  61. WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE? Finish this and two other questionnaires.
  62. IF YOU WERE AN ANIMAL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? Human.
  63. HAIR COLOR YOU LIKE ON SOMEONE YOU’RE DATING? Whatever her natural color is.
  64. IF YOU WEREN’T STRAIGHT, WHAT PERSON OF THE SAME SEX WOULD YOU DO? If I weren’t straight, I would want to be a lesbian, and I would do Carla Gugino.
  65. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLD? Mountain fortress.
  66. IF YOU COULD DATE ANY CELEBRITY PAST OR PRESENT, WHO WOULD IT BE? Sherylin Fenn circa 1991.
  67. WHAT DID YOU DREAM LAST NIGHT? That I was back in college, but my roommate from Chicago was my college roommate. I ate a packet of Oreo cookies that belonged to him.
  68. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY? Thanksgiving, because of the food and it’s my birthday.
  69. WOULD YOU EVER GET PLASTIC SURGERY? Yes, in case of disfigurement, or if I had a top secret mission of some sort.
  70. HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT A FISH? Yes, when I went deep-sea fishing with some coworkers many summers ago. It was also the first time in my conscious memory that I vomited.
  71. WHAT BOOK(S) ARE YOU READING? Too many, but I’m trying to focus on The Searchers (the basis for the John Wayne movie) and Capitol Men, which is about the first African-Americans elected to Congress.
  72. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have no mouse pad.
  73. FAVOURITE SMELL? Snow. Every so often it’ll smell like it’s gonna snow down here, but it’s just a tease. I don’t think it’s snowed here since March of 1993.
  74. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Desperately trying to fall asleep, watching the time you’ve got left before you have to wake up just flitter away.
  75. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? That I wish I’d slept more last night.
  76. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano.
  77. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? It depends on who’s in my car. If it’s just me, I’ll fly down the road. If I have a passenger, I turn into an old fogie going 5 miles under the limit in the slow lane.
  78. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A navy blue Ford Taurus, but the first one that was legally mine was a silver 1988 Oldsmobile Delta ’88.
  79. WHO IS THE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My grandfather.
  80. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Rum and Coke.
  81. WHAT’S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? Spare tire and kit, a laundry basket with an athletic bag inside, soccer stuff in the athletic bag, a large mesh-and-cloth duffel bag with soccer balls, practice pennies, and cones, two electric air pumps, and a crate with car maintenance fluids.
  82. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Yes.
  83. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Retired multi-trillionaire.
  84. GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Half fumpty.
  85. FAVOURITE MOVIE? Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
  86. WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED? A dead monster.
  87. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST AMBITION? To have more ambition.
  88. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? I am nearsighted.
  89. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? I’m still surveying mountains in which to put my fortress.
  90. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? My brown shoes.
  91. COMEDY OR HORROR? Comedy. There’s more than enough horror in real life.
  92. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? [Redacted]
  93. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? 10:08 (AM or PM) because on a standard digital clock, that’s the time that requires the most lines to display.
  94. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Indoors.
  95. WHAT’S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? The mind, especially if part of your mental strength is telekenesis.
  96. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 6:04 AM.
  97. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? The fridge. It has food in it.
  98. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? People who are consistently late and have no consideration for other people’s time.
  99. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? To fall asleep at will.
  100. IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE? New Hampshire.

Questionnaire 2.

It occurred to me when I got home today that I was in danger of violating Resolution No. 5, therefore I had to write something fast. Lazy? Yes. Such is life. Here goes:

1. NICKNAMES? They are permissible in the proper circumstances.

2. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Jacksonville, Florida.

3. HOW MANY CANDLES WERE ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY CAKE? Just one, I think.

4. HEIGHT? Five foot nine.

5. SHOE SIZE? Depends on the brand, but usually US 10.5.

6. DATE OF BIRTH? Thanksgiving.

7. WHAT’S YOUR STAR SIGN? Sagittarius.

8. ELEMENT? Do you mean favorite element? I’d have to say molybdenum.

9. HOW MANY SIBLINGS? Three.

10. HOW MANY PETS? I have none.

11. OBSESSIONS? Oh, one or two.

12. FAVOURITE NUMBER(S)? 5, 7, 11, 19, 23.

13. FAVOURITE ANIMAL? Bill.

14. FAVOURITE SPORT (TO PLAY)? Soccer.

15. FAVOURITE SPORT (TO WATCH)? Soccer, but it really depends on the league or the cup. Aside from that, football.

16. FAVOURITE PROGRAMME(S)? That’s currently on TV? Lost.

17. FAVOURITE RADIO STATION? It was the 80’s station but they took it away.

18. FAVOURITE MOVIES? Khan, and then several other classics that’re way down the list.

19. FAVOURITE FOOTBALL TEAM? The Chicago Bears.

20. FAVOURITE FOOTBALLER? Oh, that football. Let me go back to the last one.

19. FAVOURITE FOOTBALL TEAM? Manchester United.

20. FAVOURITE FOOTBALLER? Robert Baggio and Salvatore Schillaci.

21. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Fischer Random Chess.

22. FAVOURITE VIDEO GAME(S)? Winning Eleven 9, but I haven’t played in almost a year.

23. FAVOURITE PC GAME? It was Kung Fu Chess, but now it’s Sporcle.com.

24. FAVOURITE FOOD? Right now, it’s Chicago-style deep dish with pepperoni and black olives.

25. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? Clothing.

26. WHAT’S THE WEATHER LIKE? Meh.

27. HOW DO YOU FEEL? Meh.

28. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? The Lives of Others, which I strongly suggest everyone see.

29. BAD HABITS? Chewing fingernails. Not mine.

30. PHOBIAS? Dying in a horrific plane wreck.

31. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? When Cormac McCarthy’s villains get what they have coming to them.

32. WHAT REALLY IRRITATES YOU? I won’t list it here. My enemies read this.

33. WHAT MAKES YOU SAD? When I order a Coke and they give me Diet Coke.

34. WHAT MAKES YOU ANGRY? Being sad.

35. WHAT MAKES YOU SCARED? Uh, the plane thing. Didn’t you ask this already?

36. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? Donald Frank Jackson, III is currently atop the rankings, but he could slip depending on next week’s coaches’ poll.

37. EVER BROKEN A BONE? Yes.

38. WHAT’S THE BEST ADVICE YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED? “Don’t ever repeat this to anybody.”

39. WHAT SNEAKERS DO YOU OWN? Black and white New Balance, black and grey adidas, and two other pairs I need to throw out.

40. WHAT WAS THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? I put ten grand in a three-month CD at my bank last year.

41. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOK YOU READ? The last book I finished reading was Cities of the Plain. I’m working on The Forgotten Man, Modern Times, and The Yiddish Policemen’s Union.

42. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO? A coworker.

43. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A turkey and roast beef wrap from Jazzy Sweets.

44. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DRANK? Iced tea from the same place.

45. WHAT’S THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER BOUGHT? I’m going to go with the MacBook for now since it can see everything I’m typing.

46. WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER BOUGHT? A beautiful hand-carved bowl, because whenever I think about whom I gave it to and how things turned out with her, I want to kick myself.

47. WHAT’S THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER BEEN GIVEN? Tangible gift-wise? A silver 1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88. It was my father’s before me, and his father’s before him.

48. WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER BEEN GIVEN? Again, tangible gift-wise? I won’t list it here. My friends read this.

49. WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE GOALS? To master the ability to fall asleep at will.

50. DESCRIBE YOUR BEDROOM? Isn’t that more of a command than a question? What’s with the question mark? Anyways, concrete floor, unfinished walls, a cardboard box in which I sleep, and an early 19th century oak armoire.

51. WHAT’S YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT? When I was nearly impaled on the axle of a spool of cotton that weighed over a ton. I guess you had to be there.

52. WHO DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD? Dammit. I had to make a top five list a few weeks ago, I got it down to seven, and now I can’t think of a one of them. I’ll go with Carla Gugino.

53. WHO DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST HANDSOME MAN IN THE WORLD? Do… do you mean aside from myself? I really have no idea.

54. FAVOURITE THING TO DO ON A HOT SUMMER’S DAY? Sit inside with the shades drawn and the A/C turned to 60.

55. FAVOURITE THING TO DO ON A SNOWY WINTER’S DAY? Sit inside with the shades drawn and the A/C turned to 60.

56. IF YOU WERE GRANTED THREE WISHES, WHAT WOULD THEY BE? 1. I’d wish for everything to be perfect forever. 2. I’d wish that Snapple would bring back Tru Root Beer. 3. I’m good; the first two covered everything.

57. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME TO SEE OR CHANGE SOMETHING, WHEN WOULD IT BE AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Since one can drive oneself crazy thinking about this, I’ll keep it simple: I’d go back to 11:45 this morning and instead of ordering the iced tea, I’d get a Coke.

58. WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP? “Only 18 hours ‘til I get to sleep again!”

59. WHAT EXACTLY WERE YOU DOING ON SEPTEMBER 11TH AS THE TERRORIST ATTACKS WERE BEING CARRIED OUT? Walking into the library at school during my planning period.

60. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Certainly.

61. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTER-LIFE? Yup.

62. DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN THREE WORDS: Five, foot, nine.

62. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS’ TIME? Leading a small group of survivors as we rise from the ashes of civilization.

63. IF YOU COULD CHOOSE YOUR OWN DEATH, HOW WOULD YOU GO? Something like this.

64. WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER HAVING PLASTIC SURGERY? Only if I had to abandon my current cover name and story.

65. WHAT’S THE FUNNIEST JOKE YOU’VE EVER BEEN TOLD? The “Joe Cool” joke.

66. DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS IN LIFE? Yup.

67. WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO A KID? Don’t pack hangers when you move away. It’s easier to buy them when you get to wherever.

68. ANY HIDDEN TALENTS? Yes, it turns out I can—nice try. Pretty clever.

69. IS YOURS AN ‘INNIE’ OR AN ‘OUTIE’? Is my what an ‘innie’ or an ‘outie’?

70. DREAM JOB? Oddly, someone asked this just today. I believe I answered, “Astronaut-ninja-ship’s captain-samurai-president-professional athlete-spy-bookstore owner.”

71. IF YOUR WORST ENEMY WERE DROWNING, WOULD YOU SAVE HIM/HER? Why would I bother to drown him in the first place if I were just going to turn around and save him?

72. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BURNT?
 Where’d this question come from?

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST PICTURE YOU TOOK? 
A picture of my sister’s house in Albuquerque.

74. IS YOUR COMPUTER SLOW RIGHT NOW? Not a bit.

75. HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR BEST FRIEND NAKED? I haven’t stabbed myself in the eyeballs, have I? I haven’t taken a soldering iron to my visual cortex, have I? No.

76. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL? Are you kidding? I was born in a hospital.

77. WOULD YOU DATE SOMEONE THAT NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS LIKE? I suppose so, though I don’t see why they’d dislike her.

78. IF YOU WOKE UP AS THE OPPOSITE GENDER, WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD DO? 
Panic.

79. HAVE YOU EVER CRAWLED THROUGH A WINDOW? Yup.

80. MORNING OR NIGHT PERSON? Night.

81. ANY COOL SCARS? The end of an axle on my back, but it’s mostly faded.

82. THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU NOTICE FIRST? The outside.

83. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 5:59PM, Eastern Daylight Time. Time to leave.

Questionnaire.

The latest chain-letter someone sent me:

Subject: Get to know you….
Directions! Now, Here Is What You Are Supposed To Do…And Please Do
Not Spoil The Fun! Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your
Answers. Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know…And
Send It Back To Me So I Can See Your Answers, The Theory Is That You
Will Learn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You
Know . Remember
To Send It Back Please!

OK Here
Goes!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I was named after everyone who was named before I was. Actually, I was named for my grandfather, his grandfather, his grandfather’s grandfather, etc. and the priest who married my parents.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When I realized that the third installment of the new Batman franchise is now totally screwed.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?love my handwriting.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beast.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I don’t believe I do.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes. I’d make me be friends with me if I had to.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? No.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, but I am missing a lymph node.

10. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Pac-Man.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Just the left one.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Strong enough.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Chocolate.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their noses.

15. RED OR PINK? No.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU? My insistence on grammatically correct questionnaires.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I never miss.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? No. I want no-one to send this back to me.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jeans, with a brown shoe on my right foot.

20. What happened here? Where’d the question go?

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My refrigerator.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? When I was in kindergarten, I would pour bottles of Elmer’s Glue into my crayon box. I hated crayons because they weren’t pens or pencils.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Snow.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Dad.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? If she’ll stop sending me chain letters, then yes.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, football, and calcio storico (the only rule is that you cannot kick an unconscious player if he is on the ground).

27. HAIR COLOR? Brown.

28. EYE COLOR? Black circles inside blue circles inside white circles.

30. FAVORITE FOODS? Portillo’s Italian Roast Beef Sandwich, dry, mozzarella, sweet peppers.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Depends.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? A 1985 videotape on economics narrated by Lucie Arnaz and Laurence Luckinbill.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Burgundy.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? It is currently winter.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Portillo’s Italian Roast Beef Sandwich, dry, mozzarella, sweet peppers and a Coke.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don’t care.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don’t care.

39. Was this one classified?

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The mouse.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? That economics videotape I mentioned. It was gripping. I wonder what came of the Soviet Union.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Snow crunching underfoot.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I bleeve I own more music by the Stones.

44. What’s with the missing questions? What if this were the one that would force me to truly peer into my own soul and reevaluate my life? Huh?

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? No.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Québec, but freedom fighters smuggled me into New Hampshire and forged an American birth certificate.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? I’m not actually sending this to anyone.

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? Next time you want to send me a chain letter, make a wish, then don’t send me the letter, and the wish will come true!

This is what lazy writers do when they can’t think of anything decent to write about.

2 Comments

Que Si Says:

I disparately need to take an economics class. If only IB didn’t force me to take science 4th period I could finally shed my economic ignorance. Any suggestions on how to see the light? I’ve already read parts of books like Freakonomics, More Sex is Safer Sex, and The Economic Naturalist and loved the concepts and logic behind them.

February 8th, 2008 at 9:22 pm

Mr. Ugamoogahumbabanoonga Says:

That was a very interesting blog. You should “write” more these.

December 6th, 2008 at 11:30 pm