An anonymous reader e-mails: “I want you to write a whole blog post about me. I know it may be tough, but you can do it.”
Well, here’s what I can tell you so far:
Based on the spacing and font of the message I received from you, you use a Mac or some other Apple device to read my blog. Statistically, that means there’s a roughly two-in-three chance that you prefer Pepsi to Coke, but will take RC over either of them. You spent an inordinate amount of time searching my blog for posts that contain the terms “octothorpe,” “capitalism,” “school,” “nougat,” and fourteen other terms that make me think it’s been too long since your last trip to see the kind men in white jackets. The time you spent typing the message (my stat program logs the time between clicks) strongly suggests you have stubby fingers and freakishly long humerus bones.
There’s more: you have a supernumerary feature that you’re too embarrassed to mention to anyone. You’re fluent in two languages, but one of them will go extinct in less than fifty years– and for a second there, you were worried that it might be your fault. It won’t be. You learned to read at age two, but you wasted it reading romance novels from grocery stores. You hate creamy peanut butter. You like ketchup on your steaks, which you always order well-done. You never believed in Santa, but you do believe in ghosts and hope to be the first person to walk on Jupiter. You refuse to sit in rocking chairs because the motion reminds you of the open sea. Your eyes change color when you’re asleep. You know six fractional approximations of pi that are accurate to six decimal places, but you think spiders are insects and you think Roger Moore was better than Sean Connery.
But to say much more than that would be presumptuous, since all I have is the one e-mail to go on.