When I first got contact lenses, my eyeballs were so thrilled about once again seeing crisp, clear images that they jumped out of their sockets. I don’t mean they bulged out of my eyes, I mean they literally disconnected themselves and jumped out of their sockets. At first they just bounced up and down a few times, but then they started dancing like they’d just scored a touchdown and had rehearsed something that’d get them fined by the league. The excitement wore down, and then they shook hands. The optometrist went to retrieve them, but as soon as she picked up Left, Right ran off. She put Left down and then went looking for Right (who was hiding inside a cabinet), but then Left ran to the sink and turned on the faucet. This was clearly to distract the optometrist, because as soon as she spun around towards the sink, Right ran out of the cabinet, opened the door and took off down the hallway. Long story short, it was about an hour before the doc caught them; she finally got them pinned under the receptionist’s desk and used a broom to force them out. She rinsed them off, put them back in place, and my vision was fine. Of course, I have to take the optometrist’s word for all this.

Fast forward to yesterday. I finally got a new mattress and box-spring. In light of the aforementioned difficulties with the eyeballs, I thought it’d be a good idea to sit down with my spine and talk to him about what to expect. I explained that the new mattress wasn’t going to be lumpy or uncomfortable, and the new box-spring wasn’t going to be creaky and unsupportive like the old one was. Instead, Spine would be supported with pillow-toppy goodness, and he wouldn’t wake up grumpy anymore– but that would be no reason to act crazy and go running around the house without me. I reminded Spine of the contact lens incident, and how L&R left us stuck in the exam room because they couldn’t control their excitement, and I asked whether he remembered how that felt. He did, and he agreed that it would be unfair to everybody else if he ran off and celebrated alone. He agreed to behave.

Last night I slept so luxuriously that I probably deserve to be guillotined in front of a crowd of cheering peasants. There was no further incident.