My friends “Richard” and “Patricia” are bound for London in a little over a week. Patricia occasionally asks what they’d have to do to warrant a mention in the blog. I’ve always said I don’t know. Well, I’m going to wedge them in here before they cross the pond.

It’s not much of a story. I mean, it’s really not much of a story. I’m not even sure I have all the dialogue right. You’d probably be happier to induldge in any number of frivolities other than reading this story. I may go back later and spice it up a bit with a dead body, or some explosions, or a UFO sighting or something, but for now, this’ll have to do:

This weekend I attended a farewell party for my London-bound friends Richard and Patricia. We munched on excellent chips and passable fish, feasted on roast beef panini and hamburger-cucumber sliders, and consumed plenty of milk and cookies. Good times were had.

Early in the evening, somebody mentioned that both “Dom 1″ and “Dom 2″ were going to be in attendance. I thought it might be nice to meet another person who knows the frustration of of being addressed incorrectly as “Don” or “Tom.” I also thought that I’d damn well better be Dom 1. Kind of like when I returned to my place of employ after a year spent [PERMANENTLY REDACTED] and was told in an oh-so-cheery-voice by some newbie, who’d been hired in my absence, that the school already had another “Mr. V,” so maybe they could call me something else. I said that that wouldn’t work out well for anyone.

Anyhow, enjoyable party, met some nice folks, but I never ran across this other Dom. No big deal; I figure if I don’t meet people, that’s more their problem than mine.

The next night I re-visited Richard and Patricia in a futile attempt to kill off the rest of the milk and cookies. Richard’s sister was in attendance, and asked about one of the previous evening’s guests, “Morena.” Richard said that she was doing well, and that she was dating Dom 2, or at least dragging him around from place to place.

I chimed in, “Do you mean Dom also or Dom number two?”

Richard: “Dom number two.”

VDV: “I’m Dom 1, right?”

Richard: “Of course! What other Dom could you be?”

VDV: “I don’t know, maybe I’m Dom 3.”

Richard assured me that I was, indeed, Dom 1– which was a welcome relief. He also suggested that Don Henley of Eagles fame might be “Dom 3,” but that’s another inside joke for another time.

So I asked who Dom 2 was. Richard replied that I met him, and shook his hand, and that it was bizarre to see Dom 1 and Dom 2 in the same place at the same time. I had no idea who he was talking about. He said it was guy who’d been hanging out with Morena all night.

Now I knew who he was talking about. However, Dom 2 had been introduced to me as “Joe.”

VDV: “That guy? I thought his name was Joe.”

Richard: “It is.”

VDV: “Ah, so it’s Joseph Dominic, or Dominic Joseph or something?”

Richard: “His name isn’t Dom. He just reminded us of you, so we call him ‘Dom 2.’”

Richard’s Sister: “Does Morena call him that?”

Richard: “Yes.”

Richard’s Sister: “To his face?”

Richard: “Yes.”

VDV: “She calls him ‘Dom 2′ to his face?”

Richard: “Correct.”

It’s one thing to have a nickname, but to have one’s significant other call you a diminutive form of someone else’s name has to be belittling. And he may shrug it off, and it may be one of those little playful in-jokes that couples have, but in the long run it can turn out to be the sort of jibe that can seriously undermine a relationship. It’s like a little tree root that, untended, can crack the foundation under your house. I sincerely hoped that Richard was joking.

Actually, that last sentence is a bit misleading. I should have written: “I laughed as much as I am physically capable of laughing.” This poor schlep’s girlfriend calls him me. Spectacular. I wonder how humbling and awe-inspiring it was for my namesake to finally meet me. I wonder what he’ll tell his kids about it.

So, the story was lame, and it was mostly about me and my ego, but… Patricia, Richard, you finally made the blog. Kind of. I tried to dress it up as much as possible; I even gave this entry a subtitle. With more capitalization than usual.

Best of luck in merry old England, and I look forward to reading your blogs about it.

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On the GOP field, part three.

February 15, 2012 22:57 pm · 7 comments

Yesterday an anonymous reader e-mailed, asking: “Your thoughts on Rick Santorum?” He or she apparently has read neither this post nor this post.

If I may address the matter a bit more seriously than in the January post:

Obviously, Santorum has survived much longer than I thought he would. I still tend to think that the “Massachusetts moderate” will be the nominee. Santorum wants to be the anti-Romney (i.e., the candidate of the conservative wing of the Republican party), but he has more than a few moderate skeletons in his closet. He has to explain some votes for those huge social spending projects that the conservatives don’t like. Furthermore, he’s got to explain his support for the presidential candidacy of that famously moderate Republican-on-occasion Arlen “Not proven, therefore not guilty” Specter back in the 90s. He’s also got a bit of the protectionist streak in him at a time when rank-and-file Republicans aren’t in the mood for it.

So I think Romney will paint Santorum as moderate, or at least as no more conservative than Romney. I think that any sense of equivalence between the two favors Romney, since he’s got more money and more endorsements.

Gingrich has flaked out, though he had a brief surge of success that I hadn’t anticipated. Ron Paul’s getting about as much of the vote as he can expect. I think the Tea Party movement and the libertarian wing of the party are going to have to wait another cycle or two before they find a candidate who gathers major primary support.

But, again, who knows? The GOP race has been strange, and just about the only detail anyone’s gotten right is that Romney would lead, though even that hasn’t held throughout. Maybe they’ll have a much-dreaded (though much-hoped-for by political junkies) brokered convention and they’ll pick a dark horse like Christie or Daniels or Ryan. Or Palin. Or Rubio. Or Jeb Bush, maybe with a different last name and a fake moustache.

Heck, maybe Obama will declare his candidacy as a Republican and pick up a few states here and there. Why not?

{ 7 comments }

A noble city, besmirched.

February 14, 2012 17:31 pm · 1 comment

Former Chicago alderman and current University of Illinois professor Dick Simpson has determined that Chicago is the most corrupt city in the nation. He bases his claims on remembering, but backs it up with some DOJ data. From the article:

“We first of all, we have a long history,” Simpson said. “The first corruption trial was in 1869 when alderman and county commissioners were convicted of rigging a contract to literally whitewash City Hall.”

When reached for comment, former Mayor Richard M. Daley directed all questions to his father’s office. Former Mayor Richard J. Daley responded in an e-mail that the “allegations of corruption are entirely baseless.” E-mails from former Mayors Harold Washington, Anton Cermak, “Big Bill” Thompson, and William Butler Ogden confirm that there has never been any proof of vote-buying, ballot-stuffing, or any other form of municipal corruption in Chicago’s whole entire history.

Both Mayors Daley and former President John F. Kennedy have issued a statement demanding an apology from Professor Simpson or else.

Now go enjoy Valentine’s Day.

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Predator.

February 12, 2012 23:01 pm · 6 comments

Yesterday some friends asked if I would babysit their cat for roughly one year while they’re in Europe waiting for the furor surrounding their thrill-killing and bank robbery spree to die down. I politely declined, but offered to look around for potential can-openers. So, if anyone’s interested in hosting an unassuming and fairly well-read cat for a year, let me know and I’ll pass it along.

No doubt this matter planted the seeds of last night’s dream in my brain:

I lie lay am laining am in bed trying to drift off to sleep. I can not tell whether I am awake or dreaming that I awake. The doorbell buzzes harshly instead of ringing, which leads me to believe that this is a dream. I open the door.

It is Bill, a former feline acquaintance of mine who died several years ago. He is in perfect health (which in his case is to say that he is big and fat). He trots past me as cats are wont to do, as if I am there simply to hold doors and feed him. I have no idea how he rang the doorbell.

He looks around. He opens up cabinets. He checks under chairs. He looks on bookshelves. He even manages to get the pantry and fridge open, but still he hasn’t found whatever.

He finally walks over to the couch. He reaches underneath it, grabbing at something. I pick up one end of the couch.

There are two mice with grey fur and red eyes. The mice look guilty and now they are caught.

Bill grabs one of them and bites into its gut. The mouse issues a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream. Bill munches on him and pins the other one down with his paw. He finishes the first mouse and stares at the second one, who screams the same scream. Bill swallows the second mouse whole.

A triangle of three red laser dots appears on Bill. He sees it and tries swatting at it. The dots move in front of him and lead him across the floor. He scampers after them and finds the source of the dots: a giant, armored, dreadlocked alien with a shoulder-mounted laser gun. Yes, like in the movies.

Before I can flip out, before I can even begin to ask why there’s a giant alien in my house or how it snuck in, Bill scampers up its leg and torso and buries his fangs in its neck. The alien screams a slightly deeper version of the mice’s scream. The laser gun fires aimlessly several times. The bolts blast the ceiling, the floor, through walls and windows. The intruder grabs Bill and tries to pull him off, but to no avail. It can’t position Bill so as to shoot him. The intruder tries to stanch the flow of blood with one hand and futilely flails at Bill with the other hand. The alien collapses and dies, and Bill continues to chew on him.

I decide it’s probably best to let him finish, and start cleaning up the mess.

I hope Cat Heaven is something like my dream. I hope.

{ 6 comments }

True story.

February 9, 2012 23:26 pm · 3 comments

Yesterday I was invited to be one of several judges at a middle school history fair. It turned out to be eight times more enjoyable than I expected, partly on the strength of the turkey sandwich they fed me, but mostly due to the quality of the presentations and my impression that the kiddies truly enjoyed their research.

One of the exhibits resembled an iPhone. The app icons opened like doors to reveal quotes and anecdotes about Apple. It was clever. And I learned a lot from it, too. I learned that Steve Jobs invented the very first personal computer. I also learned that until the Apple II, computers took up entire rooms and you couldn’t even play games on them. Then another group member mercifully cut the speaker off and corrected the timeline. I wistfully hoped they’d find a way to work the C64 or TI-99/4a into the conversation, but no such luck.

Another exhibit involved the Berlin Wall. Apparently, when the Wall came down, they made some West Berliners move to East Berlin “so both sides would be even and fair.” I also learned that– well, let’s just go to the transcript:

VDV: So who built the Berlin Wall?

Student [looking at presentation board]: Mikhail Gorbachev.

VDV: No, no, who built the Berlin Wall?

Student [with absolute confidence]: Mikhail Gorbachev.

VDV: Are you sure?

Student: Yes.

VDV: Gorbachev built the Berlin Wall?

Student: Yes.

VDV: You’re sure you’re sure?

Student [less confident, double-checking the board]: …Yes.

VDV: Do you get why I keep asking you if you’re sure?

Student [the light dawns on him]: Yes.

VDV: So who built the Berlin Wall?

Student [smiling]: Gorbachev!

I tried. The kid had guts, I’ll give him that.

The Gorbachev kid reminded me of one of my high school science projects. It involved calculating the mechanical advantage of different bicycle gears on a 10-speed. I can’t remember what exactly I was measuring and/or calculating; I think it was mechanical advantage, so for the sake of the story (if not historical accuracy) let’s just go with that.

I turned the bike upside down and built a rudimentary frame around it to keep it stable. I used a half-gallon jug of water to turn the crank 180˚, and then timed and recorded the number of tire rotations. Did some math and voilà, I had whatever it was I was calculating. Changed the gears, repeated the process, did the math, wrote up the results, pasted them on a foam-core backboard.

So presentation day arrived. I blathered on about my project, I showed that mechanical advantage rises as you go from low gear to high gear, my burned-out hippie teacher seemed content enough, the chicks were impressed with my math skills, I was on my way to an A.

I opened the floor to questions. There was just one question, and of course it came from the one kid in the room who actually raced bikes and did endurance rides.

He said, “Actually, the mechanical advantage falls when you shift to a higher gear.” Translation: “Your entire project is wrong.”

Without missing a beat– without blinking or flinching– I said, as though I’d anticipated that question and was thoroughly prepared for it: “Normally that’s true, but remember the bike was upside-down and the tires weren’t touching the ground, so there was no external friction.”

It was a glorious moment. I should’ve bitten into an apple. Everyone bought my explanation except Burned-Out-Hippie and The Bicyclist. They both looked at me suspiciously but clearly respected my bovine scatology enough to let it slide. I think I got an A on the project.

Now that I’m a teacher, I’m a little less proud of that moment. Hopefully engineering licensure boards are a little more demanding than a particular high school teacher was on that day.

{ 3 comments }

On “The Forgotten Man.”

February 5, 2012 22:12 pm · 3 comments

In 2010, Jon McNaughton unveiled “The Forgotten Man,” which depicts President Obama standing on a tattered copy of the Constitution as his predecessors look on. According to McNaughton, the man on the bench

“…represents every man, woman, and child who is an American… he hopes to find the American dream of happiness and prosperity… But now because of unconstitutional acts imposed [on] the American people by our government we stand on the precipice of disasters.”

I only found out about this painting a few days ago. I was amused to see McNaughton’s take on the earlier Presidents’ reactions to Obama’s horrific and unprecedented abuse of the Constitution. I also tried to see if I could identify each of the other Presidents without looking them up. Here goes, from left to right:

1. The guy who picked a fight with Mexico to win more slave territory.
2. The guy who died too quickly to ruin anything.
3. The guy who sold out the freedmen in order to take the White House and used troops to break up a railroad strike.
4. The guy who signed the Chinese Exclusion Act.
5. The guy who forced five Indian tribes out of Georgia and threatened to invade South Carolina.
6. The guy who did nothing to protect freedmen’s rights during Reconstruction.
7. The guy who signed the toughest Fugitive Slave Law ever.
8. The guy who suspended habeas corpus and deported political opponents.
9. The guy who signed the Comstock laws.
10. The guy who liked the Dred Scott decision.
11. The guy who tried to take over Cuba.
12. The guy who expanded the drug war and raised Social Security taxes.
13. On the bench: the “Forgotten Man.”
14. Another guy who died too quickly to ruin anything.
15. The guy who signed the Sedition Act just a few years after his involvement in passing the First Amendment.
16. The guy who signed the Tariff of Abominations.
17. The guy who signed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act and the Second Morrill Land Grant Act.
18. The guy who annexed Texas without a treaty so he could have another slave state.
19. The guy who embargoed the whole world and bought Louisiana in spite of his former sniveling about strict interpretation.
20. The Trail of Tears guy.
21. The guy who called one entire hemisphere off-limits to the other hemisphere.
22. The guy who created the first Bank of the United States and signed the first Fugitive Slave Law.
23. The guy who nationalized the highway system and created the Department of Education and added “under God” to the Pledge.
24. The guy who signed the anti-everyone-but-Western-Europeans-immigration act.
25. The guy who wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and created the Peace Corps.
26. The guy who created Medicaid and Medicare and passed the Public Broadcasting Act and the Fair Housing Act.
27. The guy who seized the railroads and the steel industry.
28. The guy who jacked up the Fordney-McCumber tariff.
29. The guy who created the DEA and EPA and imposed wage and price controls and used the CIA to spy on the FBI.
30. In the “What are you DOING!?!?” pose: the guy who approved the Second Bank of the United States and invaded Spanish Florida.
31. The guy who passed a one-time corporate surtax and jacked up railroad subsidies.
32. Yet another guy who died too quickly to ruin anything.
33. The guy who banned the import of certain rifles and increased federal involvement in education and expanded unemployment payments.
34. The guy who signed the PATRIOT Act and expanded warrantless wiretapping and passed No Child Left Behind and expanded Medicare.
35. Barack Obama.
36. The guy who signed FISA and bailed out Lee Iacocca.
37. The guy who passed the Brady Bill and limited salary write-offs to $1 million and tried to nationalize the health care system.
38. The guy who lent money to failing businesses and passed the Davis-Bacon Act and the Smoot-Hawley Tariff.
39. The guy who created Social Security and the FDIC and the Agricultural Adjustment Act and the Works Progress Administration and threw Japanese-Americans in internment camps.
40. The guy who created the Federal Trade Commission and the Federal Reserve and federal income taxes and passed the Clayton Anti-Trust Act and promoted Prohibition and threw political opponents in jail.
41. The guy who prosecuted 90 companies for antitrust violations.
42. The guy who passed heavy railroad regulation and threatened to seize coal mines and wrested Panama away from Colombia.
43. The guy who used the Army to stop a railroad strike. He should appear twice but doesn’t.
44. The guy who annexed Hawaii and jacked up tariffs.

How’d I do?

{ 3 comments }

January 31, 2012 22:42 pm · 4 comments

A friend of mine recently lamented that too many people don’t know the difference between “it’s” and “its.” He wrote what he hoped would be a simple mnemonic device that would help writers use the terms properly. I would like to think that this would help folks make the distinction, but I know better.

Therefore I make the following suggestions to help our youngest learners avoid the problem altogether:

#1: Replace “it’s” with “tis,” as in “Tis the season to be jolly.” It means exactly the same thing, will fool people into thinking you’re smarter than you really are, and eliminates the homophonic confusion altogether.

#2: Contract the most troublesome two-word-combos (generally “it’s,” “there’s,” “they’re,” “who’s”) by smushing them together (“itis,” “thereis,” “theyare,” “whois”) instead of dropping a letter and adding an apostrophe. Note that when typing these new smushwords, they require just as many keystrokes as the old contractions.

Note that I specified the most troublesome combos. We can still get by with “won’t” instead of “willnot,” and so on.

#3: Stop teaching contractions altogether. They do not save that much time when speaking, writing by hand, or typing. Screw’m.

#4: Be lazier. Use “yer” to mean “you’re” and “your”. Use “thar” to mean “their,” “there,” and “they’re.” Put the pressure on the reader to figure it out; you’ve got too much other stuff to write about to worry about whether anyone understands what you’ve written.

#5: Stop caring about the difference between homophones such as “it’s” and “its.” Seriously, stop caring. There’re bigger fish to fry.

Suggestions four and five aren’t quite compatible with the others.

{ 4 comments }

2012 Resolution #9.

January 29, 2012 21:59 pm · 6 comments

In my “Resolutions for 2012,” #9 was “I shall make a 9th resolution before January 31st, 2012.” I opened the floor to suggestions, and Dr. Hmnahmna’s idea seems good enough.

My buddy “As I’m A Bassi” is getting married over Memorial Day weekend in Rochester, and the timing virtually demands that I fly up there. Thus do I hereby resolve that:

9. I shall fly on an airplane in order to attend As I’m A Bassi’s wedding.

I shall also fly back.

Might visit the Canadian side of Niagara Falls while up there– it’s an hour or so away from Rochester– but I’m worried they might try to keep me.

{ 6 comments }

Finished the book Against Intellectual Monopoly. Actually, “finished” may be a bit of a stretch since I skimmed some parts; I’ve got a flood of DBQs coming in this week and I wanted this book out of the way. The book’s got gobs of history and thorough arguments, but I’m not totally sold. ‘Tis true that there’d be plenty of creativity in the absence of intellectual property law, but I still worry about innovation in fields with high fixed and low variable costs like pharmaceuticals. I’d feel better about the matter if, concurrent with reducing IP protection, we also liberalized testing requirements and drove down some of the up-front costs of drug development (which the authors do suggest). But while I can see the public supporting the abolition of drug patents, I can’t see them supporting the reduction of the FDA’s testing requirements.

Furthermore, I don’t think the “first-mover” argument is as strong as the authors think it is. The first-mover argument is that even in the absence of IP law, innovators would reap adequate and socially optimal profits simply because they were first to create the product. I can buy that when it comes to tangible products, but not so much when it comes to digital media. As technology improves, it becomes easier to copy digital media and enjoy it prior to public release–i.e., before the innovator and would-be first mover moves. Sure, the creators can figure out other ways to earn profits, or maybe the market (or profit margin) for such material is too big to be socially optimal anyways and the lack of IP protection will cause it to shrink, but either way the first-mover argument seems a little bit flimsy when it comes digital media.

At least in regards to the arts, IP law may one day be rendered moot without being abolished or diminished. A lot of folks take MGM’s motto, “Ars gratia artis,” seriously and not ironically and are willing to give their work away, free of charge. Take me, for instance. I don’t charge anybody to read this website (though I will sell you ad space). This sort of art is more readily available than ever before, and technological advancements are making special effects and editing less and less expensive. That may drive Hollywood and the music industry out of business before a lack of IP protection does.

I’d like to know the opinions of my buddies who probably hold patents and copyrights. I’ll be contacting them shortly and soliciting their opinions on the matter. Hopefully they won’t charge me.

If they ever do abolish IP law, the government should still provide protection to all materials published prior to abolition. If patents and copyrights were legally acquired, they should be enforced until expiration.

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A few days ago, Noutheteo asked:

From an economic standpoint, what is your opinion of SOPA/PIPA and the recent “blackout”? Is there a need for government to intervene with intellectual property laws, and if so, is the SOPA/PIPA route appropriate? On a similar note: any thoughts on the book Against Intellectual Monopoly?

I’m doing my best to read the book before I get another batch of essays to grade. It may well change my opinions on the matter of intellectual property, so there’ll be a part two coming along one day. Now, allow me to ramble:

Like the overwhelming majority of people who have commented on the matter, and probably like most congressmen who would vote on the matter, I haven’t read either SOPA or PIPA. The rumors and the one-page warnings worry me, though. I don’t like the idea that I could be punished because one of my commenters posts a link to protected materials.

If the feds already have the ability to shut down a website like Megaupload without SOPA/PIPA, then one wonders and worries about what additional purpose would SOPA/PIPA serve. If SOPA or PIPA were to pass, I think we’d someday see (hopefully futile) efforts to regulate political content on the internet, a la the old Fairness Doctrine.

I hope the government would act to protect my intellectual property just as they would act to protect other types of my property. The problem is one of cost and benefit as much as it is one of morality: at what point does it become simply unfeasible for the government to protect my property? There was no 50-man task force to track down the guy who tried breaking into my house three years ago– they had nothing to go on but a messed-up footprint. It is so simple and inexpensive to pirate IP, and so complicated and expensive to stop piracy, that one wonders if intellectual property law will soon resemble those warnings you see in deserts or mountains: proceed at your own risk. Publish at your own risk.

It looks like technology has come to the point where we have to revolutionize intellectual property law whether we want to or not. Either shift the paradigm, or watch the paradigm become useless.

Now that I think about it, maybe we have an unspoken contempt for intellectual property law. I’ve met a few people in the education field who were sincerely angry that someone might sell academic materials instead of freely giving them away.

I loved the day of protest, especially since I could still read Wikipedia via smartphone. In keeping with my the topics of my last few posts, I would point out that the reaction to SOPA was very Hayekean– “spontaneous order,” if you will.

But perhaps I’m conflating piracy with theft and/or plagiarism. I’ll have to finish the book, won’t I?

By the way, if you remember any part of this in your brain, I’m going to sue you.

I think there’s a much simpler way to explain the NFL’s playoff rule: it’s sudden-death, except that the game cannot end on a field goal on the first possession of OT.

{ 6 comments }

On Paul.

January 17, 2012 21:57 pm · 10 comments

An anonymous reader asks, “What are your thoughts on Ron Pauls rise in fame and in the polls. Is he the real deal? Or just another Ross Perot?”

Ron Paul has had an unusual effect on the political scene. Some pundit (I forget which one) pointed out that no other major party candidate in recent memory has gotten as many people reading as Ron Paul has. And I don’t mean the typical fluff that your typical presidential candidate puts out, I mean works of political philosophy and economics. (Unfortunately for him, some folks are also reading his old newsletters, which feature some questionable material.)

I’m not sure what, exactly, you mean by “the real deal.” Is Ron Paul sincere? Far more so than any other major party candidate of the last two presidential election cycles, with the possible exception of Elizabeth Kucinich’s husband. His consistency on the issues puts other politicians to shame, if such creatures were capable of such a condition. Does he have a shot at winning? Yes, but it’s remote. Is he going to win the Republican nomination? Nope.

Is he just another Ross Perot? Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that both are Texans who aren’t going to be President, they both focus heavily on the national debt, and they share initials. But the dissimilarities are legion. Paul is far more ideological than Perot. Paul has consistent, principled stances on a broad array of issues while nobody can remember what Perot talked about aside from the debt. Also, I think (I can’t prove it) that Perot ran due to spite towards George H. W. Bush more than anything else, while Paul is running based on genuine conviction. Furthermore, Paul’s not going to run as a third party candidate.

I remember when Perot was running and everyone was complaining about a debt of around $4 trillion. Good times.

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